Brain is stress. Really wish I had a better handle on somethings. Just wish some situations were... better?
There's not much productive thinking I can really do on it. I'm sick of blaming myself, others or even just the cirucmstances at hand. I just wish few critical things were different, and its looking and feeling like I'm going to have to flat out fight for them. Even if most of the fighting to be done is, first, within myself. What scares me is if I lose that battle (not that there's no hope for change but) there's little confidence I'll be able to claim in the future of a certain thing (I say as if I ever knew what the future held in that regard). Whats worse is I think I've for the billionth time come back around to "you know? if this goes 'badly' ultimately I'll be freer I think. Less constrained. Less stressed. I can shelf this strife for a different part of my life when I'm more prepared." But I know there are lessons to be learned here. More growth to find and experience, ideally at least. And if I am told I am wrong then it wasn't possible in the first place. I've learned a few things about myself in the past year and it would be such a disgrace to myself not to stand by what I've learned and always knew about my wants and needs as a person, anxiety be damned.