25 | He/Him | Masc Trans NB | Certified Dumbass | Supposedly an Adult
Yup! It's been serving me pretty well so far. It run really straight forward and isn't gimicky. So far I've made about 50 dollars since I started fucking with it back right before Christmas.
so from my understanding if you get a solid-state drive more than like 70% full they'll never run at full capability after that, so try to keep storage on them lower if possible! my husband is super into computers and put one of those in my desktop so i try to use it minimally
Yeah, they definately have a few cons compared to HDDs. Along with that, I've also heard that they access and/or write data a remarkably fewer amount of times (again, by comparison). Because of this I've set my SSD to not defrag every week like my other 3 drives. Apparently though, these two facets of SSDs are generally being improved upon (and have been in the past few years). Which is fair, they're only really just now becoming standard in PCs.
My biggest reason for getting an SSD though (outside of needing more storage capacity), was by far to decrease my worries about important data being lost to a drive failing critically. I've had it happen before and its garunteed to happen again with regular HDDs (they just have a limited life span, its unavoidable). I also feel better about an SSD because the drives hooked up via a USB to Sata cable at the moment which means its sort of flopping about on top of my computer. No moving parts mean you cant trauma data loss out of it nearly as easy whereas HDDs are notorious for losing data/failing if you bump them just right.
What I really need to do is get another SSD for my heckin operating system if only for the increase in boot time~ but I've never learned how to clone a drive with an OS on it (I know you can, i just haven't put in the reserach) so I'll wait until a later paycheck for that one.
Promise I'm still checking WF every other five seconds. I think I'm just exhausted and not really digging social media atm. Im in the middle of working 6 days in a row with the usual, associated lack of sleep.
Hopefully I'll have content to share eventuallystar-rice
God, me too. I'll have a day off soon, but I'm juggling a lot of stuff mentally and time-wise. Thinking about a lot, too. Its weird.
B. Balloons: How many is "too many" balloons?
Answered this one here:
Y. You: What are you doing tomorrow? What did you do today?
Tomorrow I am working a closing shift at the gas station for which I am employed. What I do in the morning heavily depends on what I end up doing tonight.
Tonight I'm probably gonna hang with my roomies and play some vidya games. I just bought a bundle of games for myself, so I might end up doing that as well. In that bundle I got Night In The Woods which I've been wanting to play, so theres at least that in my future. I'm also likely gonna grab a shower and moniter WF. Probably gonna fall asleep to either Avatar the last airbender or Better Call Saul.
B & L
B. Balloons: How many is "too many" balloons?
I can't believe two people asked me this question. Very sought after information from Waterfall User Star-Rice, I guess.
Context is key for how many balloons is too many balloons. Sometimes you just need one. Sometimes a couple does just fine. Sometimes you're planning a prom and sometimes you're outfitting the house from the movie Up.
But also, have you seen videos of dogs in hallways FILLED with balloons? Are you going to tell me that that is "too many" balloons? You'd better not.
L. Like: What are three things you like doing?
1. Socializing with the like, handful of fuckers that make my brain wildy happy.
2. I think i already mentioned crochet in a previous answer, but that's a hobby that has followed me since 6th grade and over a decade later I'm still fucking with it so yeah, I like crochetting... a lot
3. A hobby I miss very much is sculpting. I haven't been able to do much with it since I left highschool since I dont have access to the space or a kiln, but I really did enjoy so much sculpting. I wish I had pictures of the giant fucking eagle I made. The crazy part about this thing was that it had its wings spread and I was working in a heavy medium trying to spread that shit thin and delicately across unstructured, blank space. I'll always be super proud of that shit even if the details never turned out quite as fine as I'd have liked them to. (might see if i can pick up clay or something in hobby lobby next time I'm there, I always wanted to build some cool shit out of air dry foam clay)
G & I ?
Long post, so Imma put a read more
Thats. A lot of things. Like. So many. I could not begin to like, put that whole list together, so i guess I'll just list shit I can, off the top of my head, certify that I'm all about.
Zelda, Pokemon, Animal Crossing, Assasin's Creed (mostly the first 4 releases), Okami (I own it for every console sans those on the playstation), Pikmin, Diablo 2 (I will STILL HEAVILY fuck with D2), Diablo 3, Gemcraft, Paper's Please (still need to 100% this bitch), Tomb Raider (I've played most titles), Don't Starve (I used to fuck so heavily with DS and DST), Hatoful Boyfriend (I've 100% this), Portal 1&2, Stardew Valley, a couple Harvest Moon games, Mabinogi, Dead by Daylight, Viva Pinata (and its sequel, I fucks SO HARD with Viva Pinata), etc etc.
There are older titles that I dont think really need to be listed since I haven't fucked with them in a decade, but I went super hard on some old ass top down games, namely the original sims, rollercoaster tycoon 1&2, zoo tycoon, and Majesty (look this fucker up).
I. Internal: What are 5 things you like about yourself?
1. I admire so much my long and slender hands. Theyre probably the most elegant thing about my body, but that opinion likely stems from be being "overweight" all my life.
2. Said hands can do many things, like art and crochet. Especially crochet and play video games. Coupled with my brain, I'm proficient at things and that relationship between world and body is very admirable. Makes brain feel good.
3. I appreciate all the time that my brain, while it can be stupid and shitty, it usually doesn't self canibalize. It's very rare that I cannot leave myself to my own thoughts. Its taken a long while, but I don't bully myself anymore. I can step back and go "hey, that was fucked up and I didn't deserve that" and that takes a lot of strength.
4. I've always had a love hate relationship with my voice. I was loving it quite a bit before I went on hormones and then that go thrown out the window. But like a trusty boomerang, that appreciation is swinging back around. I'm getting my control of it back. I have a very different range now. Its taking time but Im exploring that new range and trying to currate how I sound. Its like a whole world was opened up to me because I've had to break down how "women" talk and "men" talk and realize that its all in tiny little stupid shit (like talking from the top of your mouth versus the back). But even though I can't hit higher notes without cracking like I used to (i could never hit really high to begin with -sobs-) theres a certain smoothness especially in the deeper notes that I've acquired and it still sends shivers down my spine.
5. Its hard to find things you like about yourself especially when you're so conditioned to staging things in relation to other people (especially in terms of worth). But one thing I'm constantly appreciating is the human experience. Just learning, changing, going through life, realizing shit. I'm constantly in awe of this process we all have to go through in some form (usually). Life can be very a la carte for what each person gets to experience, but we start off with no experiences and through the acquisition of such we become complex people. Even after our memories fade (provided they stick at all) we're left with neural connections that, sometimes we can unravel and go "oh fuck thats why I'm like that" but for the most part, we'll never realize. It also creates such a vast variety between people. I value so much emotions and small experiences. My brain is wired to notice birds, identify and watch. I form deep, personal relationships with places and objects. Its taken me a long time to realize that not everyone does that.
We dug these holes we crawled into
They say that we ain't got the style
Life's too short to even care at all
I want it all and nothing less
No brakes this time
There's no use trying to relate
It's all a game of this or that, now verses then
I think it's time for you to know the awful truth
Well I can die a happy man if I could be with you
Fall away from the edge of the world
Here I am tied and bound
I'm running out of ways to make you see
I saw you in a bad place acting like a freak
Something's wrong when you regret
Time waits for no one
Regrets collect like old friends
My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in
Climbing up through the window
How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
I was there when you fell from the cloud
Sun is shinin' in the sky
On the corner of main street
Life goin' nowhere, somebody help me
I could leave but I won't go
Mother told me, yes, she told me I'd meet girls like you.
✈️ what color would you like your airport to be? / ⛺ where are you going to pitch your tent?
What color would you like your airport to be?
Ngl, I'll probably go with orange if no other color strikes my fancy. I'd probably go for a good teal if they have it tho.
Tent question was answered here: https://star-rice.waterfall.social/post/327888
🍎 what native fruit are you hoping for? & ⛺ where are you going to pitch your tent?
What native fruit are you hoping for?
Im thinking apples atm. im not as read into thr new fruits added in New Leaf, so i might look that up before deciding for sure. I also need to talk with my house to make sure we all get different fruits so we can trade n stuff (if those fruit farming mechanics are still a viable source of money).
Where are you gonna pitch your tent?
oh god idfk. havent given it thought until now. i honestlybdont know where id prefer for the most part. i do know that ill be putting all my villagers together into a sort of neighborhood because, for one, itll look pretty once everyone has moved up to houses, but most importantly, i wanna be able to find those fuckers easily.
in that same vein of thought, it might be nice to have one of my villagers homes nestled amongst them in the long run... who knows. but i do want at least one house tucked away in a garden...
🏝️ and 🎫 for the ac asks?
Do you have a name for your island yet?
I dont! i dont even know if i want to go serious or funny with it yet. I think im leaning toward serious tho. If i go with srrious, i want something kinda whimsical and/or serene.
Do you know what your islander's name and appearance are going to be?
Name will either be James or Star Rice (probably the latter bc of online interactions, but i also use my name for things occassionally). As for appearance, idk! i kinda wanna experiment before i mentally commit to anything. My big debate rn is between lenny eyes or tired eyes.
🧸, 📖,🎥,💻? :3c
Do you still have stuffed animals/plushies? If so, which one is your favorite?
I know I still have all my old childhood stuffed animals at my parents. Right now I only have stuffed animals and plushies that were given to me as gifts~ I have them up in a net I crochetted in the corner of my room (mostly just to keep them out of the way). My favorite I think is the pair of budgies I got like 4 or 5 years back. They remind me of the old budgies I used to have and sometimes I miss them a fair bit~
Any favorite books?
Man, I'm mad bc I haven't read too many books in my adult years (which is a tragedy) so most of my repetoir is still left over from all the 'kids' books I read (of which I can't speak too much to nowandays bc I didn't actually have much of a critical eye for media back then). But I did read Red Dragon back when I was a senior and enjoyed it a good amount (even if it was mostly amplified by the tv show adaptation of Hannibal). I read John Dies At The End in highschool and thuroughly enjoyed the humor (its exactly my style). I still need to actually sit down and dig into This Book is Full of Spiders (a sequel by the same author). But first I think I'll actually try and finish Snow Crash because not only is it incredibly relevant for a book about technology, history and politics published in '92, its very fun and holds up to todays humors.
(I have a whole laundry list of books I wanna reread from my childhood btw, I just never. have. time. sobs)
Any favorite movies?
Man, I'm always big weird about trying to pick my favorite movie. I essentially just have a long list of movies that mean a lot to me for whatever reason or another. I can't really have one solid favorite (same goes for the above and below questions). I can't really even think of any recent movies that I've seen that I actually fucking enjoyed. Most new movies make me viscerally sad because they seem shallow, didn't make sense or are the kind you need to turn your brain off to get entertainment out of. I like movie experiences that challenge you a bit, make you think, are a bit subversive to the usual predictable tropes and what not. I take quite a bit of enjoyment in rewatching movies though, and recently I had the house watch Silence of the Lambs and Red Dragon, two movies I will always have a soft spot for (if only because they stay pretty damn true to the books and are shot well). Honestly, I think I could have gone on more about series than I can movies. Of which, I'll throw out what I'm watching rn, which is Narcos: Mexico season 2 (though, if you haven't watched anything from Narcos, start with the original one about the Medellin cartel in Columbia, they make references to it in N:M, but season 3 has been literally one of THE most compelling things I've watched in the last 3 years). Anothe shout out I'd like to make is to Mindhunter (another netflix original). That is also really good and even more so when you find out that its based on actual events (esp season 2, it makes a good balance of knowing youre gonna get a pay off at the end but its not fantastical or over reaching in an unrealistic way because, well, its based on reality).
Any favorite video games or web series?
Now here's something I could go on for hours and hours and hours about. But I'll just make a sort of short list and if anyone wants to inquire further, I implore you to do so.
Zelda (the wind waker, twilight princess, skyward sword, breath of the wild, im presently pouring over the brilliant randomizer they have out for wind waker rn), Pokemon (started off playing yellow when I was little and have played through all generations barring 5, 6 and 7, which I've been meaning to ammend), Animal Crossing (played the original GC release with my family back in the day, I'm such a slut for nostalgia so I've been chasing that experience ever since and haven't had a chance to really since New Leaf was on the 3ds, ie a console I dont have), Okami (I've beaten it probably a dozen times and one a true 100% playthrough at least once, I'd like to sit down and do the same on my switch copy as well). Current things I'm fucking with include Gemcraft: Frostborn Wrath, Mabinogi (though only for like, dailies rn) and my s/o has retrying Final Fantasy 14 (wish me luck).
If you have the space you could look for a big comfy chair at a thrift shop! I've found some recliners for 10 dollars
Oh man I know it. Unfortunately I haven't the space at the immediate moment, but I will be moving in about 3-4 months (hence the excitement) and we already have plans to shop around and try and find a really good piece to put in the new living room. I'm so stoked and I can't imagine we won't comb the local thrift shops several times between then and now to see what we can find.
if you die and leave your chunk without a human i will take her in. like a godparent.
I hereby decree that if I die, my babes are to be lent to waterfall user Kirby until they too can join me in whatever comes after death.
i need you to know that i was the Only one in that room who actively wanted me to be saying what i was saying. i confused my grandma bc she didnt know what clones were. be the chaotic force in your family you want to see
Oh I absolutely am. No one can contain this chaos, not even me. Few family members even come close to this brand of raw bullfuckery.
sandwich and castle emojiis
🥪 - Favorite snacks or lunch stuff?
This honestly changes week by week. I have cravings like a motherfucker and it could spur any sort of food kick for me. I still haven't completely kicked my insatiable appetite for curry. Cheeto puffs have been my primary snack. I did pick up my favorite icecream recently (wildberry lavender marscapone by krogers private selection) and have yet to dig into it.
My usual lunch has been two of the Nissin Hot & Spicy Bowls (either beef or chicken) with a teaspon of curry powder. We have a microwave and a faucet accessible at all times where i work, so this is my easy go to meal. I keep a pair of chopsticks in the fuel station and I carry a little tupperware container of curry in my backpack. :> It's still ramen, but slightly more expensive, but it doesnt' ahve the same characteristic taste of the maruchan packs and thats very very refreshing. Plus the beef one is extremely satisfactory in the spice department. They list 2 out of 3 chili peppers for it (as a hotness rating) and I wanna know whre I can buy a bowl with 3 chilis B)
🏰 - If you could live in any kind of building (castle, skyscraper, etc.), what kind would you live in?
Man, idk. I have so many wants for living but I feel like I have never really considered the big picture of how they'd all fit together into a cohesive place. I simultaneously want something extremely managable, yet open and spaceous. I want to do so much outside with a property, but managing said property I know would be a hassle. All I pretty much know about any dream house I'd want is that I don't want to be under the thumb of an HOA. Suburbs are dumb and I'm used to so much more privacy (which p much rules out apartments). I want to be close to nature, but its so fucking shitty having to drive 20 minutes to the nearest anywhere. Honestly? all of this is a good represenation of my life at this point. I'm caught between a bunch of different things and being pulled in 17 different directions at once.
One day I'll get my priorities straight and figure out whats best for me. Today is not that day, but I have a lot of my own personhood to grow into.
🌎, 🌧️, ⭐?
🌎 - If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? Or, what's your favorite place you have visited?
I'd like to do a full tour of the west coast one day, for sure. The geography is just so different to here. Feels way more wild and green, especially the trees. Out here, most of the trees you see amidst towns and businesses were put there by a person. Its only if you live out in the sticks that you get more genuine trees. I definitely miss being surrounded on all sides by forest. It's quite amazing.
🌧️ - Favorite weather?
I love love love when it storms like a motherfucker. Hard, life shaking torrents and loud thunder that moves your soul. Just that forever would be nice~ (you know, without all the concerns one might have for their house and vehicals).
⭐ - If you like space, what do you like about it?
It's only in space that we can really begin to apply relativity on a broader scale. Everything we see in the night sky is just an image of events that have already come to pass. Time itself is a fluid thing and our perception of it is not a constant. Much of our relationship with the universe is done an a strictly comparative basis and I think that becomes extrememly apparent when considering space and our place in the universe (both physically and metaphorically). I think I've kind of accepted that space is going to stay an allegory to me instead of a reality for the human race (as far as my life time goes). And from that I've derived a very 'my life doesn't matter to the whole of everything, so why not do what I can for myself and my experience'. I can't truly ever give that experience to anyone else. I can impart pieces of it (mostly through other abstract comparison as well), but the person my experiences matter the most to is me. No matter how hard I try I'll never be able to put it down in any language, on any piece of art, nor compose any musical piece or memoir. It will always be at the whim of someone elses understanding. Its very raw and very human, very relatable even, but still so segregated from everyone but myself.
tbh not to start shit but i think the dex cut was the literal worst part and THE dealbreaker for me, and most of the reason ive been really angry about swsh? like, even if the problem WAS that they needed to make new models (even though the models look.. super blatantly recycled) then the solution wouldve been to give the developing staff more time and more people. swsh could legitimately have been an incredible game and won EVERYONE over if everyone had more time to work anyways, and i bet that a vast majority of the people complaining about it would be significantly less angry if everyone had more time to make the game better and ensured like... widely accepted quality? IDK it just makes me angry that they decided to cut more than half of the pokedex in a game that benefits deeply from giving users choice and agency over what they do, instead of giving the employees more time to work????????
(and also like im also Pissed that the dex cut took out all three of my favorite evolutionary lines. all three of them. this is not even mentioning that if you cut ANY pokemon out of a game, you are cutting out someones favorite, so it just... rubs me the wrong way that it was considered at all, much less the decision they actually made.)
All of the pokemon dont even matter for the main storyline. We were only ever going to get the regional dex in every other game anyway. What I'm guessing is that they are planning for longevity here. Does it cut SwSh a little low for post game? Yeah and I guess? I find it more of personal preference, but its one of the reasons I don't care nearly as much because I can't imagine myself pouring hundreds of hours into post game (unless there's some really good content, which still, I don't think it'll be harmed by having less pokemon variety). The biggest downside I see is that you can't use SwSh as the freeform battling medium that maybe Sun/Moon or XY was (I wouldn't know, I didn't play either of them with this in mind).
"Catching them all" is a rediculous concept now. You can either bastardize the "them all" part or "catching" because the last game where 'catching' them all was 100% pure (as far as the national dex goes) was gen 2. It has always been 'transfer' them all because you can't make a fully fleshed out world with that many places to find all the different pokemon in the world. This many pokemon would make a region feel cramped. And I dont know about you, but I don't want to spend the time it would take to trade for or transfer over the entire national dex. Its busy work and nonsensical since if you did it for any of the other games, you can just capitalize off of previous work done anyway.
They haven't exactly detailed all of what Pokemon Home will entail, but I feel like Pokemon Home is their chance to really round out this issue for people. People obviously aren't thrilled, but there is so much they could do with that. Pokemon Home, if it doesn't crash and burn, if they don't abandon it like any other service they've tried before, could really increase the longevity of the series. If it is more than just storage and becomes the primary way to say, battle using all our previous teams, it takes all the pressure off of SwSh to have to be more than what they wanted it to be.
All the work and time and effort that would have to go into making Sword and Shield fit for that would, I feel, take away from the world and story. People keep screaming "just give them more people, more money, more this that and the other thing" when budgetting is a thing that they have to do. I am not at all saying that Nintendo isn't already going to make an assload of money off SwSh as it is or that they can't afford to lose a few dollars, but just saying "throw more money at it" is not the solution?? Not when the task is this big and there's no good way to measure any benefit from it. This game engine is just going to become outdated eventually anyway. Every generation this hurdle was going to get bigger and bigger with less and less return. Not everyone is going to use nearly every pokemon. They picked the pokemon that would flesh out Galar. They didn't go "awe whats everyones most favorite pokemon and include all of those" because thats a slippery ass slope. People bitch about pandering anyway and whats furry bait and then they complain that some designs aren't conventionally attractive or are weird or yadda yadda (insert any of the debates on this subject).
Looking at the dex now and going "they cut half of all existing pokemon" I feel is not the best way to look at it because thats not what they did. They looked at all the existing pokmoen and included what they felt was necessary to the region and the story. Does that leave a lot out of the equation? Ofc. But focusing on whats not there in 100% of the argument ignores what is there and it feels really toxic/negative for that to be the majority of what one focuses on.
I lose it every time someone says that theyre reusing models. Theyre not. Models look too similar? They.... literaly cannot make them different? These are very specific creatures. Everything about every pokemon is incredibly standardized. Just look at how any pokemon has been animated since pokemon Colosseum. How they are animated is just as specific and static as their designs. They won't up and change these because some people have this false notion that somehow this aspect of the franchise has become stale.
I keep hearing that people don't like the quality of the game and, having played through more than the 3rd gym so far, I don't see it??? It's definitely no worse than any generation before it. The graphics are on par with where they should be, I feel (its a pokemon game, pokemons graphics have never ever ever been pushing the boundaries of what is possible in the industry at the time of release). Not to mention the every present struggle that is 'if we make it more detailed, it takes more time, it takes more space, it requires more resources'. A complaint was frame drops. I personally have only experienced only 1 or 2 scenes with frame drops. It was very brief, it didn't impact anything serious. The more detailed the game is, the more thats going on, the more its going to impact performance. I don't even want to know what the margin for this balancing act was. I can't imagine Nintendo would ever let Gamefreak staff detail all (or even part of) their struggles and roadblocks. We've probably already heard too much, but our boys had to say something because people weren't happy last time they tried to implement a dex cut.
TL;DR i guess - the issue seems incredibly complicated. I'm mostly speculating and speaking my mind, but the decision seems incredibly logical to me (both now and for the future). The dex cut hardly impacts the primary game experience. Endgame is a different discussion and it does compromise the longevity of the games playability, but I'm sure Nintendo and Gamefreak are actually thinking that far ahead, so time will tell. Everything else, imo, about SwSh has been spectacular so I personally will trust their judgement until it stops working out so well.
sandalwood, lavender, and balsam
Already got to the last two here: https://star0rice.waterfall.social/post/236582
sandalwood: do you prefer the woods or the beach?
So I have an ungodly love for swimming. Ideally the answer to this question is, without a fucking doubt, "the woods". Because rivers exist, especially sometimes in forests and honestly river swimming beats beach swimming hands down. But sometimes all you got is the beach. And sometimes the sun isn't such a deadly lazer that you wanna hide beneath the shelter of trees. So I like both, but I definately fucking love the woods way more, especially because, sans water, trees/wildlife are way more interesting than sand and fish I can't see.
The two usually have equal fare of birds to watch too. Forests are better for audio identification and waterfronts are better for visual identification.
tea tree linen bonfire!
tea tree: do you often remember your dreams? if so, what did you dream about last night?
So a few things, because I absolutely do remember my dreams. I used to be big depressed to the point where I'd sleep just to dream, which would be a coping method I couldn't have utilized if I couldn't remember them. But also I don't dream every night? Or if I do, I sometimes will forget whatever it was within 10 minutes of waking up. Or, in the case of the cigarette dreams a while back, I'll forget them until they get pushed to the front of my head X amount of time later. Which is, really not uncommon now that I think about it. My dreams will often continue off of one another. I remember them at random. And 90% of the time they're related to whatever I'm involving myself with (I suffer from the tetris effect constantly). This is a very round about way of telling you I don't remember what my last dream was, by the way.
linen: what's one quirk about you that no one else seems to get?
Hmmmmmmmmm. Quirks. Fuck idk. Like I know I'm a weirdass but I tend to analyze most shit about myself to the point where I know why I do certain things? Pair that with living in a house full of neurodivergent people who also have different quirks that we're constantly explaining to each other and you end up with an existence where you don't feel incredibly misunderstood about things.
Sometimes, especially when lying down and trying to slee, I'll find a way to 'rock'. I really like the rythmic movement. I assume it has eveyrthing to do with my mother rocking me to sleep as a baby/young child.
For something people actually get frustrated with, my brain will often get overwhelmed with whatever it is and suddenly I'm experiencing sensory overload. It often happens in situations that don't seem inherently stressful. I'm usually paying attention to one too many things and my trains of thoughts collide sort of violently. It can get hard to communicate that this is happening (especially if I'm trying to be polite and not completely derail w/e theyre saying to me), but it'll just make it worse, usually and I can snap a little if I'm not careful. Its one of those situations where I'd be polite and inform someone of whats going on if part of the problem wasn't that I'm already in a volitile state of mind. So me saying "hey, please stop talking to me right now" usually comes off as me being hella snippy no matter how much I recoil and explain after (because I do realize how it comes off, even if only after the fact).
bonfire: are you a cuddly person?
GOOD QUESTION. So fun fact, I've never really been in 'a relationship', ie, an explicitly romantic one. So I haven't had many situations where I've felt comfortable enough to really let myself see if I am a cuddly person which is a begining of an explaination, I guess. I find cuddling with someone to be a very specific type of emotionally vulnerability? And my brain has this shitty idea that being physically needy is annoying and that no one wants to be physically close to me (romantic, platonic or otherwise) which leads to me never, ever taking the lead in such a situation where I could be physically affectionate with someone because I'm incredibly stressed that it'll be weird or awkward. :') OF WHICH the stress in and of itself lends to the affection not being as pleasant. It takes a fair number of situations for me to feel comfortable enough that I'm not intruding on your personal space and even then I usually need either explicit or enthusiastic consent (ie, someone else initiates).
Given that I've never been in a relationship and I keep my hands to myself unless told otherwise, most of my cuddling experiences have been sexual in nature which I find to be a tragedy, but it also worries me that my brain is now wired to see any physical contact to be inherently sexual 8) (which is big dumb bc if someones hitting on my for realsies, my brain will still jump through hoops to say "nah this aint sexual, theyre just getting real handsy because theyre cuddly" when there are 100 different cues yelling that no, this isn't chaste contact. Im bad at social interactions. If you couldn't tell.
I'm incredibly touch starved all the time and I'm on testosterone. If someone so much as looks at me for 2 seconds too long I lose it. If someone were to hold me and make me feel like they genuinely want me I'd probably break down and cry.
This meme comes to mind: