25 | He/Him | Masc Trans NB | Certified Dumbass | Supposedly an Adult
I have like 16 things minorly aggravating my anxiety and off that line I'm losing my shit, but because anxiety is Like That I'm spinning off onto shit like "wow, I dont think I've been this stressed out since I was in highschool" which is a lie but even recognizing that doesn't really help when I've been thinking about going back to college and am now bombarded with thoughts that I'd shits stressful rn, what will adding 3 college courses in top of it do?
mental health rambling
i guess where the big kicker comes in is when my anxiety meets my adhd. These two are the most dysfunctional roommates on thevface of planet earth. i have my anxiety telling me i need to do all these things and get x, y, and z in order but my goddamn executive dysfunction goes off everytime i feel just a little bit uneasy and the whole "start tasks" portion of my break just breaks down and can only be restarted every 45 minutes. unless a task isbsomething ibcan be fucking TRICKED into, it doesn't fucking happen. i have a bunch of little shit i need to fit in between one or two big, planned daily tasks. and just, it all gets overwhelming trying to start those smaller tasks (god forbid order them by order of most to least urgency) when im mentally prepparing for the bigger stuff. or worse i forget about those things and queue the xycle repeating. Remeber stressful thing > anxiety spike > anxiety wants me to do all the things immediately > overwhelm, cant even start one thing (im trying my best to keep myself out of this point and mitigate actions to be at least slightly productive when i am) > calm down, get comfortable and maybe functional again > forget about things while trying not to stress out > repeat
i keep coming to the conclusion that i need to treat both my anxiety and adhd, but given the above cycle and the knowledge that doctors are only availablr to make appintments 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week, its very hard to time that cycle around getting the help i know i need Not to mention fitting said appt into my generally crazy fucking schedule. i get very genuine, euphoric sighs of relief when plans are cancelled or become less intense.
i ask myself "how did i ever get this anxious?" but the reality is that its always been therr, its just gotten worse with more and more stressors and its just more likely to boil over now.
i do know one thing though, and thats that my adhd is easier to corral and manage when im not wanting to vibrate off into space.
I was just gonna be like "fuck my insurance ughhg" but its a bit deeper than that. Their whole system is idiotic. They have a "secure file transfer" system that I have to use to request a change of address. I can't just.... log into my account and change it.... I have to use an electronic form to submit this information to them. I was going to say "you dont have to be logged in to use this form" but in fact, this is on a part of the website where you can't login. Which sets off every alarm bell in my body. Because I just have to hope things get to where they need to and they don't send you a confirmation email???? I have no way of checking the status of anything related to the information I submit outside of "is my address changed on my account?" which I have to manually check or, for other more important issues, they'll snail mail me a response (which, as mentioned, they have my old address, not my new one 🙃).
Dealing with this hell in contrast to my other insurance (which I still receive through my father) is like night and day. One is all online and accessible and anything I could possibly want to know, I have access to without ever speaking to a person. This other insurance? What tiny portal they do have is near useless. I can't even access information about my benefits through it. I have a bookmark folder on my browser just so I don't lose any resources I've happened accross.
This is the insurance I'll be dealing with in 2022 if I don't change jobs by then (not that changing jobs isn't its own special hell in regards to medical coverage).
Somehow I wrote the word "Hell" instead of "Hi" and my brain didn't noticed it at all until I sat down for a formal reread of what I'd written.