25 | He/Him | Masc Trans NB | Certified Dumbass | Supposedly an Adult
The tornado sirens are going off and I'm still working and people are still buying cigarettes at my open air kiosk 🙃
Behold, Texas everybody.
God I am so excited for Pokemon Snap and hanging out with mine Boy tomorrow. It's gonna be good. 😌
As terrifying as it is for a phone line to be completely silent, I actually adore when a company doesn't have hold music if only because whatever phone transmitted sound they're going to have for me is either going to be an auditory nightmare and/or an advertisement/needless information. I'll take the silence. Thanks.
I am.... severely starting to wonder if I've done digital art on my new monitor before.....
Like, its been that long. Or has it? Fuck. I just cannot remember rn and I'm not gonna start looking for receipts on this.
The sheer flatness of the texas panhandle is astonishing. You gaze into it and it slowly pulls at your soul in a very malicious way.
Dear motherfuckers with loudass cars who think its funny to be the loudest shithead on the planet,
Sincerely, the person with an anxiety disorder whom you just scared the living shit out of.
I have three moods.
I have like 16 things minorly aggravating my anxiety and off that line I'm losing my shit, but because anxiety is Like That I'm spinning off onto shit like "wow, I dont think I've been this stressed out since I was in highschool" which is a lie but even recognizing that doesn't really help when I've been thinking about going back to college and am now bombarded with thoughts that I'd shits stressful rn, what will adding 3 college courses in top of it do?
mental health rambling
i guess where the big kicker comes in is when my anxiety meets my adhd. These two are the most dysfunctional roommates on thevface of planet earth. i have my anxiety telling me i need to do all these things and get x, y, and z in order but my goddamn executive dysfunction goes off everytime i feel just a little bit uneasy and the whole "start tasks" portion of my break just breaks down and can only be restarted every 45 minutes. unless a task isbsomething ibcan be fucking TRICKED into, it doesn't fucking happen. i have a bunch of little shit i need to fit in between one or two big, planned daily tasks. and just, it all gets overwhelming trying to start those smaller tasks (god forbid order them by order of most to least urgency) when im mentally prepparing for the bigger stuff. or worse i forget about those things and queue the xycle repeating. Remeber stressful thing > anxiety spike > anxiety wants me to do all the things immediately > overwhelm, cant even start one thing (im trying my best to keep myself out of this point and mitigate actions to be at least slightly productive when i am) > calm down, get comfortable and maybe functional again > forget about things while trying not to stress out > repeat
i keep coming to the conclusion that i need to treat both my anxiety and adhd, but given the above cycle and the knowledge that doctors are only availablr to make appintments 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week, its very hard to time that cycle around getting the help i know i need Not to mention fitting said appt into my generally crazy fucking schedule. i get very genuine, euphoric sighs of relief when plans are cancelled or become less intense.
i ask myself "how did i ever get this anxious?" but the reality is that its always been therr, its just gotten worse with more and more stressors and its just more likely to boil over now.
i do know one thing though, and thats that my adhd is easier to corral and manage when im not wanting to vibrate off into space.
Someone: How do you sleep?
A sane person: I sleep on my side!
Another sane person: I sleep on my back!
A slightly less sane person: I sleep on my stomach!
Me: I sleep like a rotisserie chicken.
Bought some cherry scented lotion a couple days ago and I just realized why I like it so much.
Whenever anyone makes anything "soda scented" (I've had a few dr. Pepper themed lip balms) the primary scent is cherry because that's usually a big flavor in most colas (even if it isn't specifically cherry flavored), especially the Texas favorite: Dr. Pepper
I'm the kind of tired right now where your eyes hurt and all you want to do is go back to bed. Like viscerally, you're convinced that this is all your heart has ever wanted... And you have to go to work.
oh my good merciful god. for the first time in like a week, i feel tired at a pretty normal and acceptable time to go to bed
Spotify: Spotify desktop just got simpler!
Me: You made it more like mobile. Didn't you. You bastards....
God I feel weird. Kind of old? but idk how much that really plays into this.
Firefox updated and one of the changes in said update was the function of the backspace key. It used to be standard in browsers that the backspace key made your browser go back a page. Chrome took this away a long ass time ago, and one of the reasons I specifically switched back to firefox was that that shortcut still worked.
Well, firefox removed that and ofc it immediately started screwing with me. I looked it up (as one does) discovered they'd been talking about removing it for a long time and, because firefox developers are amazing, they left in a way to change it back. So guess what I immediately did.
THE LAST THREE DAYS HAVE BEEN ONE SLEEPING MISCALCULATION AFTER ANOTHER AND ISTG IM GONNA DIE.
in short, after already being critically low on sleep and surviving on naps alone, my brain completely forgot that I don't, in fact, work at 2pm tomorrow. I work at 11am.
I am... This close to calling in.
I always forget how fucking awful pants are until I take them off and immediately experience liberated legs.
Having lots of thoughts about how listening to and consuming music is literally hardwired into our brains (story telling was very lyrical and passed down orally before writing was widespread and easily accessible). And I think sometimes that I really like music and singing but have no want or need to create new music, only to consume and realizing that this is very much non-conflicting is very freeing.
Regardless of good or bad, my voice was made to sing. Singing is designed to feel good. My brain is designed to memorize patterns and repeat them, auditory patterns are not exempt. Music is and was human and it's storied past, while the details have been forgotten to time (like the stories themselves) this need and enjoyment thereupon lives on in my very biology.
Mildly irritated with myself that I bought a huge ass board so I could stretch a larger piece of watercolor paper, stretch said piece of large watercolor paper and its been 2-3 days and I've yet to think of anything I'm gung ho enough to want to paint.
I guess I could just say "fuck it" and go abstract again, but I did want to have something a little more identifiable in this next one. I just don't know what...
Another shift. Another day I accidentally steal a pen from work.
I was just asked where the nearest gas station from me was.
At a gas station.
That's on an intersection where across both intersecting streets.
Is another gas station.
I had the biggest urge to paint a crab today.
Unfortunately I'm stuck at work.
Fuckin. My first night at home not suffering from post-op pain and ofc I stay up until 9am because I have no self control or life altering consequences to stop me.
Been drinking a lot of meat tea lately.
When I learn how to sew good, one of the first things I'm gonna fucking make is a set of pillow cases that's cotton on one side and flannel on the other.
So sick of having to have multiple pillows with multiple lofts and different pillow cases because sometimes we have warm weather and some times we have cool weather. I don't wanna redress the bed everytime texas climate flips on a dime (which it does frequently).
To anyone who might be feeling my absence: Surgery went well. I'm having a rough go of recovering (which is par for an adult tonsillectomy) but I'm not dying (even though I may feel like it) and I'll get back to kicking around on here soon enough.