I Aspire To Have An Original Thought... One Day
25 | He/Him | Masc Trans NB | Certified Dumbass | Supposedly an Adult
So I haven't yelled about it here (because honestly theres not a whole hell of a lot to yell about) but every once in a while I think about the new remastered Diablo II and I want so desperately to know the release date. Im gonna play this shit till the wheels fall off just like I did the original.
It finally happened. I finally accidentally ran off with one of my boyfriend's shirts.
But honestly, I'm more confused at how the damn thing fit bc I'm not a small person and he's very physically fit (esp in comparison).
So I guess today I'm stanning Fantastical Beasts.
I always love how inking comes together. Half the time you're like "man thats so much work" and once you get grooving, you'll step away thinking "woo, thats progress but theres still a lot to do!" but you look at it and actually? That shits almost done. Wtf, when did that happen?!
Oh sweet baby god I just realized on "X reblogged your post" that "post" links to the new reblog instead of the old and I've never been happier.
Im adult. I told the government to give me my money back today!
Testing on mobile bc oh my good Lord the site looks good. Its so fucking crisp. I love it!
I've put myself back into last minute painting deadline hell! 🎉
A train of thought I had about the state of a few things:
So. I've been seeing more than a few (mostly conservative) voices speak out against how they feel that Donald Trump has been banned on so many platforms.
Because they're afraid that its too much power to mark an idea taboo and silence all avenues for it. That this will somehow expand into censorship of other things, as if its a gateway action to sterilizing human conversation.
And its baffling. It's baffling because this is what? They're first time dealing with this? Dude, there are so many communities that have been yelling about this for forever. All I really should need to site is the censorship of queer stories and conversations across everywhere. Censorship happens all the time for a lot of subjects. You're just mad because its finally at your doorstep. That you're finally in some position to face ramifications for who you are and what you believe in. And you still look like a babbling baby! Because you will not face the same measures of action other communities have. You grew up being told that you and your voice were allowed to exist. The only voice of opposition has been oppressed and disadvantaged groups who're telling you your ideas are harmful. Of which the only power we have is to be angry. Nothing more. Any actions you face are a slap on the wrist. The fact that half of your conversations were welcomed to exist at all is wild since we're well aware of what it takes to build communities where we're not wanted (or in spaces we have to sustain and upkeep). You never had to hide your ideals except behind vague proxy dogwhistles because racism, white supremacy, classism and all their derivatives is tolerated by those in power. Because thats what's in power.
We are not on the same side when it comes to censorship. If you actually cared about freedom of speech, opinions and expression you would have fought for those that suffered before you.
I'd like to say the tide is turning. That this is public opinion catching up and finally spinning censorship around. But I know its not. What comes next in the distopia we're living in has all the likelyhood of being worse. If only because, I have to ask, if they're finally willing to censor ya'll for your bullshit, what does that mean for the rest of us? Us who have been, for most of recent history, shunned from polite society as a concept.
Right now I'd like to have a sliver of hope because the government has just been turned in our favor, but that's still relying on an unreliable system that historically hasn't kept its word even in such a state. We've fought against and gained ground in a system stacked so brutally against us. Stopping the massive regression is not enough. An inch is not enough. There is a lot of work left to do and its having to be done by those at the bottom, who are already tired and overworked. We've found just a tiny bit of breathing room after having been drowning for so long.
I want to have hope.
There is one very good thing today though: new monitor came in B)
Another day, another morning where I viscerally do not want to get up and go to work.
Had to mend my winter coat today. I wish I'd done it sooner, the fix would have been easier, but regardless, it went really well. I didn't have black thread and ended up using dark brown. While its much more noticeable, it doesn't look half bad, especially for a skill i haven't practiced in many many years. It's not anywhere near professional quality, but its concise and its strong, which is all I need from it. I'm mostly just glad I was able to sit down and do it, finish it and be happy with it~
istg having ADHD is just looking away and not being focused for 2 minutes and suddenly you've misplaced your entire life jfc.
If there's one thing I'm happy to see come out of all the "discourse" that happened on the discord and then spilled onto the site itself, it's the opinion that discussion about site features shouldnt include just the discord. Hell, the majority of the reason this situation has been so confusing is because it's hidden within 1000 discord messages. Im still not fully informed because reading all those very heated messages is taxing and going out of my way to read stuff that's going to affect me negatively is not a good idea. So honestly? I don't know what in the hell has gone on and I'm not going to form an opinion on something I don't havent read the primary documents for.
But I know that discussion was big and it was concerning the directions Thell was thinking about taking on certain things. I think Thell made a post concerning it on here, and a few of us responded, but there was never any discussion. IMO it feels like it was forgotten. This definately isn't the first time I've felt left out of site discussion because it was soley one he discord. I don't have the energy to keep up with the discord. Slower paced discussions are absolutely my jam. And ngl, the discord is a bit intimidating. For the short time I was active on it, it was hit or miss with how I felt about things. It feels like a source of drama and that feels like the exact opposite of what should be desired from site discussion.
I don't know how to move forward with this. I don't think it's a situation where we should be telling Thell what to do. That's not personally the relationship I think we should have with the site admin. If I were to imagine an ideal scenario, we would just speak about how we feel and what isn't working for us and he could decide how to move from there. This would probably mean getting a lot less feedback from him, but given the very heated responses he gets when he speaks, I think it would be healthier. I imagine he's happier to work on waterfall more when he's not having to work public relations this one to one. Things get personal and bitter fast. This isn't the first time shits gotten heated and it won't be the last if nothing changes. I wish I had more of a solution to offer and I don't mean this to be a call to action, but I do fear negativity worse than this will crop up in the future.
All in all, I think communication between Thell and the userbase should be consolidated and more inclusive. Honestly, idk where Thell gets the majority of his information about site opinion, that said I suspect there may be a lot of bias in what groups get heard. Other than the discord, idek where I should voice an opinion or suggestion other than shout it to the void. Well, for actual features there's the github, which I like very much (but I think people have been sleeping on it quite a bit). Is that where we should be pointing ourselves to? I think it would cut down the drama, but I need to know if that's what Thell wants. I'm here for the long haul. I fucking LOVE waterfall. I want to see it succeed so damn badly and I want to help in whatever limited ways I can. If my help is wanted, I need to know where to contribute and in what way.
Went into therapy today jittering off of the current events in DC and came out feeling awesome about life and the future. I fucking love what that happens :'D
Desk/work space is coming along quite nicely. I put up the stuff on the wall and installed that shelf today and *chefs kiss*
I've been wanting to change my avatar recently and it just hit me that I did art last night. And it'd be incredibly fitting as a self representation 8)
I was just gonna be like "fuck my insurance ughhg" but its a bit deeper than that. Their whole system is idiotic. They have a "secure file transfer" system that I have to use to request a change of address. I can't just.... log into my account and change it.... I have to use an electronic form to submit this information to them. I was going to say "you dont have to be logged in to use this form" but in fact, this is on a part of the website where you can't login. Which sets off every alarm bell in my body. Because I just have to hope things get to where they need to and they don't send you a confirmation email???? I have no way of checking the status of anything related to the information I submit outside of "is my address changed on my account?" which I have to manually check or, for other more important issues, they'll snail mail me a response (which, as mentioned, they have my old address, not my new one 🙃).
Dealing with this hell in contrast to my other insurance (which I still receive through my father) is like night and day. One is all online and accessible and anything I could possibly want to know, I have access to without ever speaking to a person. This other insurance? What tiny portal they do have is near useless. I can't even access information about my benefits through it. I have a bookmark folder on my browser just so I don't lose any resources I've happened accross.
This is the insurance I'll be dealing with in 2022 if I don't change jobs by then (not that changing jobs isn't its own special hell in regards to medical coverage).
God, I took a look at my savings this morning since we got our stimalim check this morning. And it had been in the back of my mind that I really haven't been able to save much lately bc life is Hell™ but I kind of wanted to know what that entailed. It honestly really comes down to the fact that I haven't been able to save much at all since I moved (or before). It gets a lot harder to figure out if I was really able to save a lot before that since money was being bounced in and out so much, but it is very clear that any money I've received from the government (whether it be stimulus or my own tax money) is what primarily keeps my savings topped off since I shame myself into not touching it (I have two surgeries I need to pay for this year).
2020 really has been a fucking hell year. My savings haven't been this high since November of 2019. And Nov '19 was post top surgery, so it was way higher at other points in 2019. Financially, I'm just not where I want to be and really, its not a lot more that I need (for current expenses, god help me when I have to take on some other responsibilities).
I have a lot of thinking to do about how I want to move forward and what I need to do. I'm just thankful I have the mental space to do so in my current environment.
Honestly, I've kinda been mulling over it all day, but I think if I have any New Year Resolution I wanna try and hold myself to, its that I wanna do more things I want to do.
I think I get caught up on things that don't matter or done genuinely make me happy that I get lost in the noise. I want more focus and there are a few things I've been saying I want to do and I really need to just face it headlong and jump in feet first. Getting caught up on the details is only hurting me and wasting time. I'm more than capable, I just gotta get started and get some momentum in this bitch.
naplooking on the internet, it's like it's 2021 everywhere except here. six and a half more hours for me.
star-rice
Interesting. Because I was curious, at this particular moment, the only places who haven't ticked into the new year are anyone in the americas and the majority of greenland. So yeah. And theres a 3 hour gap (essentially) between majorly inhabited time zones. Of which midnight is sitting in that gap right now. Europe celebrated 2 hours ago and the next big place to start yelling will be like, Brazil and southern South America. The US east coast still has 3 more hours to wait.
Ngl, all the tag whispers on my watercolor are giving me life :'D