I Aspire To Have An Original Thought... One Day

24 | He/Him | Masc Trans NB | Certified Dumbass | Supposedly an Adult

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Posts tagged just thoughts:

I prompted my sister for what she would like as a birthday present and she asked for some of my art and oh my god there is such an incredible amount of weight to this task.


We're super excited for tomorrow, we'll be doing some mushrooms. We've been big prepping all around. Istg with how we've been preparing you'd think we were going on vacation or something.

Well I mean... we are going on a trip so to speak, so I guess its warranted.


I guess since the weather here has taken such a turn so fast our usual supply of beef in the meat department isn't going as fast as was expected. As a result, there were a lot of marked down steaks again.

You know what time it is.


star-rice reblogged star-rice
star-rice -

I got one night at home and went on a 100% ADHD fueled cleaning spree. My brain didn't even get hung up on a bunch of things. Maybe this is just what cleaning is supposed to feel like when you're vibing and your brain chemicals are somewhat in balance for once.

There are still a few things out of order, but a few main chores have been taken care of where they'd be neglected in my absence. Who knows how everything on a grand scale is doing, all I know is that, for right now, in this immediate moment, I feel pretty happy and content in my own home and brain.


star-rice -

Definately ADHD fueled. Forgot to feed and water myself. Oops.


I got one night at home and went on a 100% ADHD fueled cleaning spree. My brain didn't even get hung up on a bunch of things. Maybe this is just what cleaning is supposed to feel like when you're vibing and your brain chemicals are somewhat in balance for once.

There are still a few things out of order, but a few main chores have been taken care of where they'd be neglected in my absence. Who knows how everything on a grand scale is doing, all I know is that, for right now, in this immediate moment, I feel pretty happy and content in my own home and brain.


Me, dramatic and woeful: why do I feel so terrible today. Ah! I just cannot go on! Why do I suffer so? Is life just so terrible and depressing that it's taking it's final steps to strike me low?

Me, remembering the full liter and a half of wine I solo'd last night: I should uh.... Probably drink some water....


So at work I do all transactions from behind 2 inches of glass and with the use of a speaker and drawer system.

Well, yesterday our speaker started acting funny and while I can still hear customers, I cannot speak to them. So I have a sign explaining as such. It's sometimes a moot point because customers can't fucking read. Thankfully as a retail worker that needs to go on autopilot to conserve sanity, I had my whole process down to a script anyway, so with the use of note cards I've been able to keep transactions mostly as smooth as before, but this sure is a fun and frustrating exercise in what it would be like to be mute. It's made extra fun by customers who act as if this wildly inconveniences them and no one else, but most people have been incredibly understanding and have had fun with it. Extra thankfully, due to the glass, I do t have to wear a face mask and I can still mouth words at them if I don't have a cue card available.

8 hours of this shit sure if gonna be interesting, lemme tell you.


Spent nearly 2 full days away from the house. Got home 30 minutes ago and I gotta leave in five and I'm desperately trying to convince my cats I still love them before I disappear for another 8-9 hours :((((


Today has been such an ADHD day good god. I started about 10 tasks without finishing them and jumped beween them enough times to get them all done. Wild shit. Sometimes I forget that I can function just fine like this (and often prefer it? mostly bc vibin). The structure of my life just doesn't lend itself to doing that all the time (which is sad!). Maybe theres a factor of anxiety and depression often just intruding so much that I can't vibe like that as much.


Im really going to have to go back and watch a summary video for this part of the story because I cannot bring myself to pay attention. I just wanna get to level 80 and have it done with so I can do more with friends and MSQ is easy to walk around and complete while dealing with insurance bullshit. No way I can read it or pay attention though lol


I keep hearing things here and there that conditions at work are supposed to be changing. And I don't know how to feel about it.


Not that I don't want things to change (I desperately want things to change), it's that I am not sure if I should believe what I'm hearing. Because for the past 6 months, things have not changed.

We're supposed to be getting someone new in the department. The last time they told us this like 6 weeks ago they were never even put on our schedule. Now we're supposedly getting another different person and I'm not sure whether to try and be anticipatory of it.

Our last store manager walked out and the new one is supposed to be "a huge hardass who gets shit done". He's been here 2 weeks and I havent seen the tiniest bit of meaningful change, just more empty gestures.

Everything about my job begs me to not put in as much effort as I do when my brain what's so badly for there to be some semblance of standards out here. And it's been like that for years. And as I continue not doing things the standard drops lower and lower with no end in sight. For so long "I can't do it alone" has been my catchphrase and I'm growing tired of it. It feels like a levee should have broken by now. Some failsafe should have triggered to put us back on track?

The problem is my lead. Like if she just gave a damn about making us do work out here, we'd be fine. But she lets the laziest person on the team get away with murder and me and the other guy go "well, if she can get away with murder, we might as well not do anything because it doesn't matter and there are zero consequences" we don't want to or care to get away with murder, but it's easier that way. So the whole department is shit. And it's not like management is real buddy buddy with my lead. Her fuck ups kick them in the ass occasionally as well, but they refuse to put in the effort to replace her? Reputable sources say she's broken the law in a way they really shoukd not ignore, yet I've heard no developments on the subject. So either, they've done the unthinkable and ignored/forgotten about it or my lead somehow wiggled out of committing fraud against the government. There's also a small chance due process is being taken, it's just kind of slow, but it's been like, 3 weeks? 4? At this point? So idk. All I know is that this wouldn't be the first and, as long as she's still employed, it won't be the last time she's done some incredulous shit that she'll never see consequences for.

And all I want is for her to do her job, honestly. I don't want her fired so much as I want whoever holds her job title to do their motherfucking job. If that means putting someone else in her position? I'm all for it. But if management actually disciplines her and she ends up becoming a person who does her job? Hell yeah!

I don't hate my lead as a person. She's a genuinely okay human being. Shes never intentionally an asshole to my face. She just doesn't do her job???? And everytime I ask her to do her job, she says "yeah, uhuh, sure" and then she doesn't! She pretends as if everything she does is aboveboard and kosher, and then it's not! And I'm tired of it!

I'm tired of being told by outside parties that my department does not do it's job because, for one, it's getting old, but secondly, it's getting old because I want to do my job!! I want to be an effective employee! I want to feel that satisfaction! But it's too much of a job for just little old me. If I did everything I'd be so resentful of my coworkers (which I already am, but at least this way I can't be mad at them, no one is going their job and it's because we're allowed to). I'd overwork myself (because I have) and I'd get nothing out of it (except deep disatisfaction). So I'd rather not be overworked if I'm not gonna get anything out of this.

I want to want to come to work. Hell, I'll settle for "not despise my working conditions as much". Is that so much to fucking ask for? Especially when I know it's entirely doable? Is it really so impossible and improbable that the same cycle of shit is gonna happen I we and over and over again? Despite getting more benefits and pay (hard fought for by the union) am I still gonna be stuck wanting any other job???


Therapy has been a reminder that a lot of shit happens in two weeks. Which is just a 2020 mood, but still. Good goddamn.

Reminds me of this image:


For like the 2nd time in my entire adult life my insurances might cover my whole medical costs for something!


God. So I made an appointment for my hand because the ER told me to get this shit checked out when I got home and this is the first time I've ever had a doctors office be this commically close to me.

Its an 8 minute drive. Like 3 right turns. I know this has everything to do with living in town instead of in a shack off the beaten path, but I'm so used to having to drive out at least 30-40 minutes just to see anyone pertenant. So I must say, seeing someone for an more straight forward injury is kinda nice.


For all the things I've seen out here, and have some thoughts. Ive had lots of thoughts and feelings about my identity, about my country, specifically my state, about my place in it and the different societal connections, societal wedges and their very storied histories. I've gained perspective on myself and the world and it's conflicts. I've always known I take a lot for granted. But I feel like Ive been able to really take that and turn it in my hands a bit. It's been the process of taking a step back and realizing you're getting to see the forest instead of just the individual trees.

It's been a crazy mix of everything both radicalizing me further and softening my heart. I'm not walking away from this hard and bitter. I've never wanted that for myself. But this path does tend to lend itself to melancholy helplessness, which I have to watch out for.


Rn I'm riding the delicate line between "things haven't gone as planned, but I'm making the best of it" and "do you know how tired I am of having to make the best of it?!"


Istg, listening to music rn is like applying balm directly to my brain.

I want nothing more than to be back home. This place is dealing psychic damage, esp after last night.


It became time for work way too quickly today.


i forgot the volcano in super mario sunshine was called Corona Mountain


Fucking caught my lead deliberately fucking up inventory (and have proof of it on paper) so I conveinantly sent that shit to our new temporary store manager. No clue if this is gonna be another piece of kindling on the bonfire or the match that lights it, but I cant lie, I'm absolutely giddy with the possibility that I might be rid of her.


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