I Aspire To Have An Original Thought... One Day

I prompted my sister for what she would like as a birthday present and she asked for some of my art and oh my god there is such an incredible amount of weight to this task.

We're super excited for tomorrow, we'll be doing some mushrooms. We've been big prepping all around. Istg with how we've been preparing you'd think we were going on vacation or something.

Well I mean... we are going on a trip so to speak, so I guess its warranted.

I guess since the weather here has taken such a turn so fast our usual supply of beef in the meat department isn't going as fast as was expected. As a result, there were a lot of marked down steaks again.

You know what time it is.

Why the fuck are we so busy today! It's a goddamn Wednesday for fucks sake!

I got one night at home and went on a 100% ADHD fueled cleaning spree. My brain didn't even get hung up on a bunch of things. Maybe this is just what cleaning is supposed to feel like when you're vibing and your brain chemicals are somewhat in balance for once.

There are still a few things out of order, but a few main chores have been taken care of where they'd be neglected in my absence. Who knows how everything on a grand scale is doing, all I know is that, for right now, in this immediate moment, I feel pretty happy and content in my own home and brain.

Definately ADHD fueled. Forgot to feed and water myself. Oops.

I got one night at home and went on a 100% ADHD fueled cleaning spree. My brain didn't even get hung up on a bunch of things. Maybe this is just what cleaning is supposed to feel like when you're vibing and your brain chemicals are somewhat in balance for once.

There are still a few things out of order, but a few main chores have been taken care of where they'd be neglected in my absence. Who knows how everything on a grand scale is doing, all I know is that, for right now, in this immediate moment, I feel pretty happy and content in my own home and brain.

Me, dramatic and woeful: why do I feel so terrible today. Ah! I just cannot go on! Why do I suffer so? Is life just so terrible and depressing that it's taking it's final steps to strike me low?

Me, remembering the full liter and a half of wine I solo'd last night: I should uh.... Probably drink some water....

So at work I do all transactions from behind 2 inches of glass and with the use of a speaker and drawer system.

Well, yesterday our speaker started acting funny and while I can still hear customers, I cannot speak to them. So I have a sign explaining as such. It's sometimes a moot point because customers can't fucking read. Thankfully as a retail worker that needs to go on autopilot to conserve sanity, I had my whole process down to a script anyway, so with the use of note cards I've been able to keep transactions mostly as smooth as before, but this sure is a fun and frustrating exercise in what it would be like to be mute. It's made extra fun by customers who act as if this wildly inconveniences them and no one else, but most people have been incredibly understanding and have had fun with it. Extra thankfully, due to the glass, I do t have to wear a face mask and I can still mouth words at them if I don't have a cue card available.

8 hours of this shit sure if gonna be interesting, lemme tell you.

Spent nearly 2 full days away from the house. Got home 30 minutes ago and I gotta leave in five and I'm desperately trying to convince my cats I still love them before I disappear for another 8-9 hours :((((

Today has been such an ADHD day good god. I started about 10 tasks without finishing them and jumped beween them enough times to get them all done. Wild shit. Sometimes I forget that I can function just fine like this (and often prefer it? mostly bc vibin). The structure of my life just doesn't lend itself to doing that all the time (which is sad!). Maybe theres a factor of anxiety and depression often just intruding so much that I can't vibe like that as much.

Today is a very "the damn things overlap" kinda day.

Im really going to have to go back and watch a summary video for this part of the story because I cannot bring myself to pay attention. I just wanna get to level 80 and have it done with so I can do more with friends and MSQ is easy to walk around and complete while dealing with insurance bullshit. No way I can read it or pay attention though lol

absolutely transphobic that businesses close super early. esp pharmacy. Now i gotta get dressed. And do errands. Its onlly 8:30pm. Why must i be forced into doing things during 'normal' hours.

Absolute travesty

I keep hearing things here and there that conditions at work are supposed to be changing. And I don't know how to feel about it.

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Therapy has been a reminder that a lot of shit happens in two weeks. Which is just a 2020 mood, but still. Good goddamn.

Reminds me of this image:

For like the 2nd time in my entire adult life my insurances might cover my whole medical costs for something!

God. So I made an appointment for my hand because the ER told me to get this shit checked out when I got home and this is the first time I've ever had a doctors office be this commically close to me.

Its an 8 minute drive. Like 3 right turns. I know this has everything to do with living in town instead of in a shack off the beaten path, but I'm so used to having to drive out at least 30-40 minutes just to see anyone pertenant. So I must say, seeing someone for an more straight forward injury is kinda nice.

For all the things I've seen out here, and have some thoughts. Ive had lots of thoughts and feelings about my identity, about my country, specifically my state, about my place in it and the different societal connections, societal wedges and their very storied histories. I've gained perspective on myself and the world and it's conflicts. I've always known I take a lot for granted. But I feel like Ive been able to really take that and turn it in my hands a bit. It's been the process of taking a step back and realizing you're getting to see the forest instead of just the individual trees.

It's been a crazy mix of everything both radicalizing me further and softening my heart. I'm not walking away from this hard and bitter. I've never wanted that for myself. But this path does tend to lend itself to melancholy helplessness, which I have to watch out for.

Rn I'm riding the delicate line between "things haven't gone as planned, but I'm making the best of it" and "do you know how tired I am of having to make the best of it?!"

Istg, listening to music rn is like applying balm directly to my brain.

I want nothing more than to be back home. This place is dealing psychic damage, esp after last night.

It became time for work way too quickly today.

Due to recent events my whole psyche is in the GODDAMN SHITTER.

i forgot the volcano in super mario sunshine was called Corona Mountain

Fucking caught my lead deliberately fucking up inventory (and have proof of it on paper) so I conveinantly sent that shit to our new temporary store manager. No clue if this is gonna be another piece of kindling on the bonfire or the match that lights it, but I cant lie, I'm absolutely giddy with the possibility that I might be rid of her.

Also, more work rabble:

Today is the 3rd day in the past week that I've come in for midshift at 10-11am to find that no one opened the fuel station.

We're doing awesome rn.