25 | He/Him | Masc Trans NB | Certified Dumbass | Supposedly an Adult
Incredibly aggitated and frustrated today for no reason other than I finally have medications and everything feels different and I'm trying to adjust.
Depression and anxiety are such a fucking bitch because they really do make you go "this is fine :) lmao" AND YOU BELIEVE IT. Then, it'll just so happen that you'll get one euphoric moment and l have to whip around and go "HEY!!! So that was an ENTIRE lie! I was miserable the whole god damn time! What THE fuck!"star-rice
@supermario commented on this post:
No joke. When I was really low I convinced myself that I was fine because I was still able to go about my day. It's only in retrospect when you're in a better place that you go, "Hmm. Actually that wasn't fine."
yup, that sounds about right. people are incredibly resiliant to a fault. We can survive such a poor quality of life for such a long time. It's incredible (and frustrating).
Depression and anxiety are such a fucking bitch because they really do make you go "this is fine :) lmao" AND YOU BELIEVE IT. Then, it'll just so happen that you'll get one euphoric moment and l have to whip around and go "HEY!!! So that was an ENTIRE lie! I was miserable the whole god damn time! What THE fuck!"
I have like 16 things minorly aggravating my anxiety and off that line I'm losing my shit, but because anxiety is Like That I'm spinning off onto shit like "wow, I dont think I've been this stressed out since I was in highschool" which is a lie but even recognizing that doesn't really help when I've been thinking about going back to college and am now bombarded with thoughts that I'd shits stressful rn, what will adding 3 college courses in top of it do?
mental health rambling
i guess where the big kicker comes in is when my anxiety meets my adhd. These two are the most dysfunctional roommates on thevface of planet earth. i have my anxiety telling me i need to do all these things and get x, y, and z in order but my goddamn executive dysfunction goes off everytime i feel just a little bit uneasy and the whole "start tasks" portion of my break just breaks down and can only be restarted every 45 minutes. unless a task isbsomething ibcan be fucking TRICKED into, it doesn't fucking happen. i have a bunch of little shit i need to fit in between one or two big, planned daily tasks. and just, it all gets overwhelming trying to start those smaller tasks (god forbid order them by order of most to least urgency) when im mentally prepparing for the bigger stuff. or worse i forget about those things and queue the xycle repeating. Remeber stressful thing > anxiety spike > anxiety wants me to do all the things immediately > overwhelm, cant even start one thing (im trying my best to keep myself out of this point and mitigate actions to be at least slightly productive when i am) > calm down, get comfortable and maybe functional again > forget about things while trying not to stress out > repeat
i keep coming to the conclusion that i need to treat both my anxiety and adhd, but given the above cycle and the knowledge that doctors are only availablr to make appintments 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week, its very hard to time that cycle around getting the help i know i need Not to mention fitting said appt into my generally crazy fucking schedule. i get very genuine, euphoric sighs of relief when plans are cancelled or become less intense.
i ask myself "how did i ever get this anxious?" but the reality is that its always been therr, its just gotten worse with more and more stressors and its just more likely to boil over now.
i do know one thing though, and thats that my adhd is easier to corral and manage when im not wanting to vibrate off into space.
People be like: Are you worried about it?
And I'm like: I have an anxiety disorder. I worry about everything.
I can say "it's gonna take 6 months for me to unpack all this bullshit" and give you the play by play all day long but that will never compare to how it actually feels to catch yourself actively going through it.star-rice
Like, imagine you're stuck in a room with a bunch of fogged up panes of glass and suddenly you're able to wipe a few off and the mist is clearing so they actually fucking kinda stay clean. Some of the panes are windows and you get to thuroughly enjoy the views, things are much more crisp and clear. Some of the panes though... they're mirrors, and you finally get to see the exact kind of hell you look like.
Saying "whatever I'm gonna see in the reflections is gonna hurt once this humidity fades" a billion times isn't gonna prepare you for actually seeing yourself for the first time in months.
I can say "it's gonna take 6 months for me to unpack all this bullshit" and give you the play by play all day long but that will never compare to how it actually feels to catch yourself actively going through it.
It feels so good to leave work and be viscerally excited about going home.
It's one thing to talk about "yes, people who are in environments that are being detrimental to their health often cannot deal with the consequences of bad environment because that environment is usually structured in a way that said person feels trapped and acting out on that stress A- doesn't help and B- often will make the situation worse. As such, people in those environments often experience a lot of emotions the 6 months to a year after getting out of them because now they have the space physically and emotionally to work through the emotions they previously had to pack away for survival reasons and shed the psyche they had to develop in a response to said environment"
It is a wildly didn't experience to actually start feeling the effects of that shit! Oh my lord. Its like shooting dopamine straight into my brain. I hope the drop off from this isn't too hard but good merciful fuck I'm feeling so good? So good I'm like "dude this has to be mania? right?" which, im not any sort of confirmed bi-polar (been working on that one with my therapist) but it is still something I watch out for (since it runs HEAVY in my family, esp on my maternal side and im afab so 8). Im absolute ass about watching for the switch tho (which is one of the reasons my therapist is hesitant to say I have it). Which, to her credit, I could have just been heavily situationally depressed (aggravating my chronic depression and anxiety) with some moments where I actually got to experience happiness and an even temperment which feel so jarring because of aforementioned aggravated depression. Time will only tell on this one, but I'd like to be hopeful its the latter.
It is kind of scary tho. Its very much one of those moments where I'm just a little bit waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting to come down from this high, its been so long and I am such a wildly different person now from any of the ""people"" I've ever been that maybe, just maybe.... i could just be?? Dare I say it? Happy? What a frightening concept that I might have finally reached a safe chapter in my life where I have agency, stability and happiness??? It must be a dream, surely...
But what if its not?
My brain has been having problems with pulling very specific words and it's a bit distressing bc I want to use those words for very distinct emotions and connotations/turn of phrases (for example, I searched for synonyms of obliged when I was looking for inclined). What it feels like is that my brain is just miss firing more than usual, but i have a sneaking suspicion that this is my brain rebooting and working through some shit that's been going on for the past however the fuck long. So it really feels, in a half joking, half serious way, like a "animals are returning to the woods! nature is recovering!!" situation. Reactivating those probs of my brain and really putting them to use again is bound to have some hiccups. Like recovering from chronic depression and coming terms with/healing from the longer lasting brain damage it causes. brains gotta learn how to work again and find/get comfortable with the new normal.
Actually... i was trying to use that as a metaphor.... but if I'm being real for half a second, that's probably exactly what's happening, I'm just noticing it via a more obscure and minute side effect of that happening..... so, "nature is healing!" isn't a bad light hearted take away to what's going on :'D
i swear. a combination of my antidepressants and anxiety meds make me have some symptoms on the hypermania spectrum. but it's hard to tell because i'm depressed all the time. maybe i'm like this normally??? it's hard to tell when you don't know what your base is. Idk but so far i feel great!!!!!