25 | He/Him | Masc Trans NB | Certified Dumbass | Supposedly an Adult
I like hyperfocusing. It's so very satisfying. Brain is free! Brain follow whatever path it chooses. Doing shit feels good. I feel engaged.
How-fucking-ever, I hate that it means I can't remember shit else outside of that hyperfocus. Like eating the food I took time to prepare. Then forgetting about it for the entire time I'm hyper focusing. Being able to get up and prep a bowl to microwave. Successfully put it in the microwave, but then getting distracted and, even tho that microwave keeps beeping at me to go grab it, not being able to get the fuck up until I finish the task at hand. :')
It's so wonderful and awful. Goddamn.
Dear lord, my store manager sets my anxiety off so goddamn bad. Thank God I still had my break to take to destress because jfc.
Also I have felt so vaguely bad all day (starting last night). Its killing me. And its all like, head feels too? It's not like a headache, not proper anyway. It feels like the equivalent of clenching my teeth but in my brain and I'm not digging it at all.
I can only assume its related to the fact that I missed my meds earlier this week and didn't notice until last night? So thats 3 days late for my estrogen blocker, testosterone and vitamin D pill. My bet is on the vitamin D unless my ovaries have had enough time to start shaking off the dust and getting back to work fucking up my life.
Still I'm left with "dude we had such a great handle on shit one week ago. We were motivated, we were confident and capable. What is any different now?" And of course I know that brain chemicals are king, but I'd like not to feel like I'm teetering on the edge of collapse. Even if its the truth, I'd at least like to forget about it because I'm accutely aware that feeling the teeter can be the tipping point.
Went into therapy today jittering off of the current events in DC and came out feeling awesome about life and the future. I fucking love what that happens :'D
I'm desperately trying to not stress out over Christmas presents for people. I love Christmas time (probably as a childhood response) but I'm awful with deadlines. This breaks my routines. This breaks my bank. This makes me other think to high hell and it takes so much effort to talk myself down from this idea that anything I get people will be a huge disappointment so why try.
I know it's false. I know I have to stay objective and do what I have to to make this time as easy in this regard as possible, but that still takes energy and effort and is a strain.
i've had a sideblog for 20 minutes and i'm already so close to just starting shitmoonfallunmasked
Given that this is my first I've ever heard of tulpamancy and had to go look it the fuck up, I'd like
-to hear your take on it. (I fuckin hit "post" before I was finished smdh) Given the supposed history/origins of the practice, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you're absolutely correct.
prefacing this with the statement that this is not directed at anyone in particular.
i'm not an expert but the DID and "western tulpamancy" communities have overlapped even accidentally far too often and in all the wrong ways
putting it under the cut because it's 1. long and 2. definitely going to come across as passive-aggressive and i frankly don't have the energy to watch my tone that closely
not to mention you're just... inviting another entity into your head. that's really dangerous holy shit what the fuck made you think that was a good idea. if done wrong, you could seriously wreck your own shit. a lot of people refer to it as "creating" tulpas but uh. you know that saying that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, only changed? that applies here, too. you're inviting an entity to change its form to suit your needs and live inside you, you could get seriously hurt from it if you aren't careful. i'm not an expert by any means but i'm pretty sure there's a reason it's a closed practice
a lot of western "tulpamancers" also compare it to being a DID/OSDD system (to the point that some use the term "parogenic system," which is at least less obviously racist than calling it tulpamancy, i'll give them that) when that's simply incorrect. DID/OSDD is parts of a whole, whereas tulpas are a whole entity by themselves. to use slightly inaccurate imagery, imagine a mirror. if you drop the mirror, it breaks. that's DID/OSDD. if you got another mirror, you would have 2 whole mirrors. that's a tulpa. (i could get into why this analogy isn't the most accurate but that's a ramble for another post)
(as a note, all following commentary is made by me, a person who has basically no former knowledge of the subject and is literally just having a good faith conversation, ie i may be lacking a monster truck worth of context and perspective)
Not gonna lie, though, reading about the comparisons between this and DID/OSDD, tulpamancy, on surface level, sounds like someone politely asking to have DID, like they think its a cool and hip thing to have. But I also have a slight feeling that there might be a few plural/systems that would take up "tulpamancy" as a way to manage themselves (which god that feels so misguided but I can imagine there isn't much in the way of helpful resources (as compared to other things) so -shrug-).
But on another note, from what I've read of its traditional use, creating a sort of persona to distance yourself from an issue in order to bring yourself back around to having worked through it, sounds like a p good idea. From my limited grasp on DID, thats sometimes whats happening in the first place on an more severe, unconcious level. And from my experience with anxiety and depression, when you create a boundary between you and the thing (whatever it may be), you can more objectively view it and cope with it. Such as stating "man my anxiety is active up today" when feeling anxious (which is also just an extension of mindfulness in general) or "my brains being a complete ass today" instead of attributing ADHD to your inate self.
I guess I sort of get lost when there's an insistance that a tulpa is not yourself and that its a separate thing living in your head. Sounds like your asking a ghost to fucking take up residence in your skull (of which my belief in spirits or energy with individuality/personhood is dubious at best). That sounds like the worst way to walk into this? Because Im not much of a "unseeable entities" are out there person, it sounds like your trying to split yourself or make space in yourself for no discernable purpse. That space will become filled with something, but with no purpose or direction, would there not be a shit load of room for that to go demonstrably sideways? Its like the opposite of mindfulness. It feels reckless even.
My anxiety got poked several times too many today and one of my saving graces (dad dropping in to bestow me with beautiful food) is being ruined bc my stress response has ruined my appetite
And that's very homophobic of it to do to me right now >:'(
Went feral cleaning today in both good and bad ways. Good because my cleaning one of the counters and all the appliances on them inspired two of my room mates to fuck up the dishes, which spiralled into us cleaning the window sill, then the kitchen window got cleaned and Witchesflower put up curtains. Little things just kept getting done. The spice rack I got for Christmas 2018 finally got put up, then we had to move over the spices. Then we had more space where the spices formerly were, so we rearranged another cupboard. It just kept going for hours. Which, its good! So much got done! I'm so happy the kitchen finally feels somewhat close to something human beings use. I'm dead ass tired now ofc but thats also fine.
(TL;DR - I'm pissed and stressed, but at least I have my shit together and I'm ideally setting myself up for success)
It feels mildy depressing to do all this cleaning and getting shit back to zero only to fuck off and not really be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor for too long, but thats just bad thinking. I need the next few months to go relatively smoothly and the mood boost (or at least, lack of mood detriment) from the kitchen should go a long way (assuming it doesn't cause more conflict). I am genuinely worried it'll be a point of contention though. Between me cleaning wildly every time I notice something out of place and then being unendingly pissed that a mess was left in the first place and that I had to clean it up, I might lose it on the boys. But I'm fucking sick of living in filth. Today I got to touch our counters without feeling like it'd bite me back. I could put my face to the counters and it felt like tile and not gross uncleaned filth upon filth. Today has been a lot of unpacking how much I've been having to overlook on a daily basis because if I were to look at every mess in full detail every day, my mind would eject itself out of its body and into the garbage. It was so bad that just the idea of going back to that sends my mind spiralling. I haven't even gotten to enjoy the cleanliness (really) and I'm already lamenting its loss again.
I hate living like this! And I mean that in both the sense of, I hate the fear that Im going to lose all the things I've worked for! And I hate the filth that living here spirals into.
But I know its not me. Sure, my rooms a little cluttered, surface wise, but I keep things off my floor. I sweep. I have regularly decluttered and wiped down my desk. I change my bed. My laundry gets done. I have two birds and two cats to look after who absolutely have to come first. I'm not gonna say I'm perfect when it comes to cleaning my dishes as I use them (I swear to god I'm the only person who trieds to clean their dishes as theyre cooking), but I do my load of dishes on the day I'm supposed to (and recently, the day before if I know I wont have the energy for it the next day) AND IVE BEEN WORKING 32-40 HOUR WEEKS. Two of my problematic room mates don't have jobs. And I'm the 3rd room mates primary form of transportation most days. Like no fucking shit I'm exhausted. Is it too fucking unreasonable to come home to a house that isn't a goddamn disaster??? Especially when I'm no where near the reason its a disaster?!
I'm not up my room mates asses to clean their room or anything. I try to be lax with the living room because they're the primary users of that space. But its so fucking infuriating when they can't help keep the kitchen clean. Every single person uses the goddamn kitchen and it feels so disproportionate on who does the cleaning. In that regard I don't feel respected, like all the work I put into trying to keep things together is just inconveinancing them. Every time I ask them to help or do something it's met with disdain and I'm sick of it.
Of course all this is why I want out (in addition to this house, structurally, being a shit show. I can't remember if I complained about the leaky ass roof actively trying to ruin my life). I've already tried damn near everything to get these fuckers to cooperate and act like they actually give a damn about living here and being at least half way decent house mates. I've jumped through everything mentally about how they can actually live like this, why they wont change, juggling the changes they have made and how its just not good enough (and me complaining about it will just discourage anything).
I just wanna live with people who give a fuck about the place we live and will respect me and my boundaries. And I know the two people I'm moving in with will do that. I couldn't imagine a scenario where they'd do the opposite. I'm so excited to be living with them again, too. I'm so excited to be doing better even if its gonna have new and different challenges (primarily monetarily, I feel, but I'm probably worrying too much). May cannot come soon enough. I'm ready to live a different life. Hopefully it's a life where I have more free time and less stress. Hopefully it's a life where I don't feel tethered and stuck. A life where I'm in a place to grow and be free, because, as it stands, I don't feel like I'm free. I feel like if I try to add anything else to my plate I'll explode, or worse, absolutely break down.
It's a fucking miracle I haven't broken down, to be honest. I've wanted to. So badly have I wanted to break down. To cry. To sob. To yell. To be absolutely, inconsolably fucked up. It would be such a good release of all these emotions. But I can't. And I don't know why. I figure it's two parts testosterone and one part if I break down, everything will get worse and I guess, deep down, I wont let things not function. The cogs still need to turn. I still need people to get along with me. I still live with people who rely on me, esp the one I work with. I wish I could drop that for like, 2 hours. Squeeze it in somewhere to let myself be vulnerable. I don't have to keep up these strong walls when its just myself, I don't have to hide from myself, but it seems I've worked myself into a place where I can't even open up to myself in a truly meaningful way and that's deeply worrying.
I mean, its either that or I've lost the ability to do that through the hormone changes. Which would fucking suck. As it stand the only reliable way I have of letting off steam is yelling about shit (both literally and figuratively). I don't want to release emotional pressure in a negative and destructive manner, but I'm not the same emotionally as I was a year ago. I'm not blind to my peronality changes. I don't like it either. I'm trying my best to come to grips with shit, but my memory is fucked (ie, I can't really summon a clear picture of how I used to feel and act much less compare now with then) and I don't exactly have the space mentally or physically to feel things out.
Which is (one of the reasons) why I've gone back into therapy, though it hasn't been proceding as ideally as I'd like bc of all the delays in appointment scheduling (which is another story, but to make it short I had to schedule the first appointment like, a month and a half in the future and I fucked up by not setting up the online portal thing way back when which is conveinantly how you're supposed to do all future scheduling). I think I have it all back on track again. This is the one thing I've been desperately trying to work into my weekly grind because I know I need it. Hell, I probably needed this 6 months to a year ago, but better late then never. It will be infinitely beneficial to be aquainted with my new therapist now, so by the time I'm moved into the new place, if I need to cut back for monetary reasons, I can and it won't be a detriment to miss those sessions.
I have so much going for me. I'm just waiting for the pieces to fall into place. There is a future. I won't be stuck for too much longer. I just gotta bide my time and do what I can in the meanwhile. It's all gonna be okay. I'm just losing it a little right now, and that's also okay, even if its only okay because it has to be.
Man I'm at a point rn where a mental breakdown almost sounds preferable. But no. I got keepy my shit together and take care of my responsibilities.
Because I've finally realized I need to start seeing a therapist again (I know i can benefit a shit load from it), I'm looking through therapists on my insurances website, of which I noticed they've updated a little bit and made much easier to navigate the enslaught of therapists available. In that update, they expanded what specialties eat professional has including not only LGBTQ as a category, but gender identity and sexual orientation as sub-categories, which is fucking fantastic because while I need both, I need someone who specializes in gender identity the most. Not only that, I was able to find a couple people nearby that fit my needs. Which is awesome!
But what I truly wanted to comment about in this post was that another category they list in each therapists specialties is "faith based counseling" usually followed by which faith (ie, christianity, i do not at all remember seeing any other faith bc ofc not). I specifically avoided any therapist that listed "faith based counseling" because I don't want there to be a chance in hell that this is offered to me. Not that it fucking mattered because there wasn't a single therapist who had both "lgbtq anything" listed along side "faith based counseling". But all the therapists who specialized in faith based counseling were white and over 45, so I'd likely not gel as well with them anyway. Also, there wasn't a single male counselor that made my 'will check out' list, but my caring about that is likely me still being a little sad that previous therapist had to change practices and I was never able to find him again.
I didn't avoid it, but I did keep it in the back of my mind that some of the therapists Imma look into have "substance abuse" listed. My previous therapist I picked because he dealt with LGBTQ issues and completely overlooked that he was also a substance abuse counselor. Lets just say we have a few conversations about my weed consumption (which was much lower back then, mind you) and so I'm not looking forward to those discussions, but I'm not going to go out of my way to avoid them. Ironically, my top pick in this set of therapists is a substance abuse counselor, so we'll see how that goes.
Ideally, I'd have a therapist that understands my drug use and helps me take a wholistic approach to it and can help me identify when it becomes a negative coping mechanism. But substance use innately rewires your brain and its chemical systems... so I have my doubts that any therapist will ever go "yeah, its not inherently unhealthy to use marijuana as a coping mechanism".
I don't know what I've been feeling lately! I think it might be depression! I have no fuckin clue tho!!!!!! This moodiness, this desperate sensitivity, I need it to stop. Like my parents are already a handful to deal with in long spurts, but I need my usual resilience. Please. Just let me be amiable. Let me feel okay. I don't want everything to be a big goddamn deal.
Things aren't even that bad rn, just let me be content. It makes dealing with actual problems a lot easier. But it seems like recently everything can and will set me off. I'm losing it.