I Aspire To Have An Original Thought... One Day

25 | He/Him | Masc Trans NB | Certified Dumbass | Supposedly an Adult

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star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

I've been out for a while, but I've been occupied with various life stuff like:

- getting college figured out, at this point I'm like 98% good to go to register for classes and having it paid for by the government, which is dope. Here's hoping they give me enough that I can start to work a little less hours at work too.

  • AT&T are huge cunt mothers and discontinued my less than 4 year old phone because they're manipulative assholes who don't feel like supporting my device probably nearly exclusively because they want me to buy one of the over-priced POS phones they sell with a side of "supporting other devices costs pennies of labor compared to what we make hourly and we just could never afford it" Which is also to say I dropped 700 dollars on a new phone that is very decidedly unlocked and bought off amazon.
  • New phone is fucking dope, not even gonna fucking lie. I got the asus ROG phone 5 and this bitch is sweet. I think its refresh rate is like 160hz and good lord its smooth. Haven't tried any intensive games on it yet (mostly because I don't know of much I'd actually play) but I am itching to see how well it handles Dolphin because I'd love to play some wind waker randomizer at work. (which wouldn't be too bad because my old phone is still functional, and I could use it as a tracker).
  • Also I've been keeping up with the Season 4 TWWR Tournament being held by ZeldaSpeedRuns and its been very good so far. Lots of surprises and I am on the edge of my seat for these last matchups.
  • I've been watching a lot of Deadliest Catch since a friend of the house offered us their discovery+ log in and I've been wanting to binge that shit since I binged the first few seasons off Cokeandpopcorn.com like 8 years ago (which is also to say, its v weird watching it knowing all these people are 10-13 years older now.
  • I've actually put my beast of a computer to work and have been playing some modded minecraft because fuck yeah. It's nice to actually sit down and let myself hyperfocus for sometime.
  • Meds have evened out quite a bit. The sleep aid I got put on got its dose upped and thats been wonderful. It's also helped with my mood during the daytime and most of the time now I feel content. It's nice. I can also fucking do things more easily now. Its still not super super easy, but I can feel myself very actively becoming more adaptive instead of maladaptive. The smallest shit isn't completely ruining my whole day anymore and I have to spend less time recovering mentally from being alive amidst capitalism.

star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

So I still get ma'am from time to time while I'm working. And I realize it's because of my face shape. Being a bit overweight doesn't help (fat people have to perform gender more to look less androgenous yada yada). But I think I e figured out something. Unfortunately not in mitigating getting called ma'am, but with being okay with it.

I had a guy today say "thank you sir" then he stuttered, corrected himself incorrectly to "ma'am" and apologized. I was perturbed by it, it actually made me chuckle, because as a nonbinary person who only conforms to gender stuff to get a better response, confusing the shit out of a dude is amusing beyond belief. But it reminded me that the way I am viewed is innately more masculine. Even if they clock my AGAB. That ma'am did not mean he saw me as some little girl, definately not someone super femme, but in more of a butch way. Which, I probably get gender envy from butch women more than I ever have before. So is it so bad to catch a ma'am every once in a while?

Obviously I'm doing gender gymnastics on my head about this, but it's refreshing to come out with "huh, that's not too terrible? Maybe a tiny but heartwarming even" instead of microanalyzing why one would perceive me as female and how do I prevent it in the future?

It also helps that the guy who was buying from me was sweet and seemed like he was genuinely trying to be respectful, but as with anyone, it's impossible to know for sure with anyone non-cis.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

I like hyperfocusing. It's so very satisfying. Brain is free! Brain follow whatever path it chooses. Doing shit feels good. I feel engaged.

How-fucking-ever, I hate that it means I can't remember shit else outside of that hyperfocus. Like eating the food I took time to prepare. Then forgetting about it for the entire time I'm hyper focusing. Being able to get up and prep a bowl to microwave. Successfully put it in the microwave, but then getting distracted and, even tho that microwave keeps beeping at me to go grab it, not being able to get the fuck up until I finish the task at hand. :')

It's so wonderful and awful. Goddamn.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

Dear merciful fuck okay. So I dicked around with my computer today because 1) - I got my cable extenders in like, Tuesday and hadn't had any will to go messing around on the insides, 2) - I needed to put my SSD on the inside of the computer, and 3) - I needed to at least have a set up for connecting a 3.5 inch mega bastard hard drive because the usb to sata cable I have doesn't (I assume) give the bitch enough power to function properly. And I'm glad I didn't intend to try and fuck with that hard drive because of the massive spook my graphics card just gave me.


So the good news is that the rats nest in the front is No More! Everything was very painstakingly tucked under the top and side panel. It was a huge pain in the ass trying everything in the book to get everyone lying flat and close enough that the side panel didn't bulge, but I got it all together. I swear to god I spent at least 30 minutes slightly adjusting about a billion cords, which was after the debacle that was getting all the cords to go where they needed to in the first place. Of which, during all that I ended up completely unplugging my LEDs and bumping a certain something a little bit too much.

The bad scare I had was when I powered everything up, first the cosmetic LEDs didn't come on, but everything else booted fine, which was an easy fix. I even got photos of everything after making sure those were working 100%. I assumed everything was hyper kosher and went about booting up my usual programs, including FFXIV, which I'd forgotten about when I started poking around waterfall. That's when I noticed that images had this very particular artifacts on them. :)

My reaction was as follows:

I then started moving stuff around and seeing what happened when I switched screens, reloaded windows, etc and witnessed extremely gut wrenching behavior that confirmed that yeah. This was my GPU fucking up. Not many things can cause those artifacts and whole assets in FFXIV (like my now black, textureless boots) to completely unload.

Of course I start panicing because ofc I do. This is the single most expensive part in my PC and its exactly the last part I'd want to fail. Replacing it at this point would be devastating and near impossible (not to mention costly both in time and money). But I pull my heart out of throat and my stomach up from my knees enough to think "god what must I have done to this thing". Of which, I hadn't thought I'd really done anything! As far as I knew, all I'd done is unplug its power cord, fiddle with shit round the back and plug the same power cord back in. But of course I knew that in the midst of fucking around with every other cord (especially that damn SSD who refused to stay seated and plugged in) I must have knocked it around a few times. So, as with most trouble shooting, start with the easiest stuff first. Maybe the connections are misaligned. So I unscrewed the back plate then unseated and reseated that hoe and turned it all back on to see if anything had changed.

And boy oh fucking boy am I glad to have, since, not seen a single graphical fuck up, because I didn't have anything else to try without spending 2 hours googling shit. Which probably would have disrupted my everything even more than just doing these fiddles and writing up this post has done, which is to say, before I started this task, I completely made a pan of food and planned 100% to get a bowl and sit down and watch something on my Chromecast, then maybe start poking around at my computer. Brain went haywire for approximately an hour and a half to two hours hyper focusing on getting this shit figured out and done. Hell, I'd actually stood up went "yeah fuck I need to go eat now" pranced into the kitchen and but a bowl in the microwave. Then I discovered my GPU being naughty and wrote up this post. I have yet to retrieve my bowl. (I'll get there eventually"""" )

Another set of good news; back before I'd built what I've dubbed "Starkid", when I was still using ye olde Memeshit Supreme (who has since been dissolved), I had tried to connect my wireless earbuds to my computer because that sounded super dope, I hadn't bought my wireless headset yet, and I really love my earbuds. :') Also, now that I have purchased and used my over the ear headset for a while, I can say that, while its really convenient and of good quality, if I wear it long enough, it get hella uncomfortable and starts to hurt. So for casual listening to shit and maybe a short call here and there, I would still like to have my earbuds available to use. But at the time, the bluetooth dongle I had wasn't fantastic and any audio I was getting was choppy as fuck. I even bought another bluetooth dongle with a grade higher bluetooth and it still wasn't enough.

Because of this, bluetooth was a heavy consideration when i was picking out motherboards way back in the planning stage of this computer. Which is to say, I wifi and bluetooth are built into my motherboard and I can screw on any antennae I'd like in order to utilize it. And, as I had hoped, its way fucking stronger than a USB dongle could ever hope to be and my earbuds work absolutely perfectly (so far. I haven't tried out the mic quality on them yet, but I've had phone calls on them and they've never seemed to have a problem. I'd assume they were the bottle neck for quality at this point).


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

Brain is stress. Really wish I had a better handle on somethings. Just wish some situations were... better?

There's not much productive thinking I can really do on it. I'm sick of blaming myself, others or even just the cirucmstances at hand. I just wish few critical things were different, and its looking and feeling like I'm going to have to flat out fight for them. Even if most of the fighting to be done is, first, within myself. What scares me is if I lose that battle (not that there's no hope for change but) there's little confidence I'll be able to claim in the future of a certain thing (I say as if I ever knew what the future held in that regard). Whats worse is I think I've for the billionth time come back around to "you know? if this goes 'badly' ultimately I'll be freer I think. Less constrained. Less stressed. I can shelf this strife for a different part of my life when I'm more prepared." But I know there are lessons to be learned here. More growth to find and experience, ideally at least. And if I am told I am wrong then it wasn't possible in the first place. I've learned a few things about myself in the past year and it would be such a disgrace to myself not to stand by what I've learned and always knew about my wants and needs as a person, anxiety be damned.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

I have like 16 things minorly aggravating my anxiety and off that line I'm losing my shit, but because anxiety is Like That I'm spinning off onto shit like "wow, I dont think I've been this stressed out since I was in highschool" which is a lie but even recognizing that doesn't really help when I've been thinking about going back to college and am now bombarded with thoughts that I'd shits stressful rn, what will adding 3 college courses in top of it do?

mental health rambling

And that's not the thing I really need to addressing. A lot of my stressors are coincidentally happening at the same time and it has been a long while since I've been pulled in so many directions; Of which, upon realizing that it's this type of stress again makes me want to cancel everything for the next forever and never leave the house. But we cant do that. and all the things that i have planned are things i want to do. I just know how thin my resources are and the reality of my being able to do it all without feeling like my brains on fire.

i guess where the big kicker comes in is when my anxiety meets my adhd. These two are the most dysfunctional roommates on thevface of planet earth. i have my anxiety telling me i need to do all these things and get x, y, and z in order but my goddamn executive dysfunction goes off everytime i feel just a little bit uneasy and the whole "start tasks" portion of my break just breaks down and can only be restarted every 45 minutes. unless a task isbsomething ibcan be fucking TRICKED into, it doesn't fucking happen. i have a bunch of little shit i need to fit in between one or two big, planned daily tasks. and just, it all gets overwhelming trying to start those smaller tasks (god forbid order them by order of most to least urgency) when im mentally prepparing for the bigger stuff. or worse i forget about those things and queue the xycle repeating. Remeber stressful thing > anxiety spike > anxiety wants me to do all the things immediately > overwhelm, cant even start one thing (im trying my best to keep myself out of this point and mitigate actions to be at least slightly productive when i am) > calm down, get comfortable and maybe functional again > forget about things while trying not to stress out > repeat

i keep coming to the conclusion that i need to treat both my anxiety and adhd, but given the above cycle and the knowledge that doctors are only availablr to make appintments 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week, its very hard to time that cycle around getting the help i know i need Not to mention fitting said appt into my generally crazy fucking schedule. i get very genuine, euphoric sighs of relief when plans are cancelled or become less intense.

i ask myself "how did i ever get this anxious?" but the reality is that its always been therr, its just gotten worse with more and more stressors and its just more likely to boil over now.

i do know one thing though, and thats that my adhd is easier to corral and manage when im not wanting to vibrate off into space.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

The disconnect between the logical and feral parts that make up my creative process/journey/struggle/whatever the fuck you wanna call it is so funny/frustrating.

Because I'm starting to realize I keep running into the same fucking hurdles and the problem is is that I'm not jumping.

Let me explain.

So all the time I have ideas that I'd LOVE to execute. I think this piece would be hella interesting, would look good and generally ticks more than a few design success boxes. Hell, sometimes I'll go so far as to write it down so it isn't completely and infinitely lost to the ether. But nearly everytime I actually go to think about execution I'm almost always faced with "there is a part of this vision where my lack of experience will cause me to fumble and likely fuck up assuming I can even get that far". This comes up a lot with painting because I never really learned how to plan a piece outside of sketching/color theory (which, for the most part, hasn't really hindered my digital arts, but fucking up is much harder in digital mediums). I step back, I go "I should practice this thing. Actually do photo studies. I can read and observe as much as I'd like, but especially for traditional arts the king kong of direct progress comes from experience in actually trying to apply that knowledge". And then I don't. Because practice is boring and stretching watercolor paper is evil (re: inconvenient) and my ADHD is literally the devil.

I guess I have a few solutions to this. I kind of want to give watercolor blocks a try (despite knowing I'll cry because Im so fearful I'll use too many heavy washes and it'll buckle anyway). I can buy an expensive stretcher (would be quicker in some aspects ngl). Or I can buy expensive 300 pound paper (lol the thing you practice on right hahahahahaha). Or, god forbid, I stop FREAKING OUT about the paper buckling and realizing it is not the end of the world (which, taping is quicker and like, at least half the process of stretching without the awful wait).


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

Having lots of thoughts about how listening to and consuming music is literally hardwired into our brains (story telling was very lyrical and passed down orally before writing was widespread and easily accessible). And I think sometimes that I really like music and singing but have no want or need to create new music, only to consume and realizing that this is very much non-conflicting is very freeing.

Regardless of good or bad, my voice was made to sing. Singing is designed to feel good. My brain is designed to memorize patterns and repeat them, auditory patterns are not exempt. Music is and was human and it's storied past, while the details have been forgotten to time (like the stories themselves) this need and enjoyment thereupon lives on in my very biology.


star-rice(he/him)
star-rice(he/him)
Time ago
star-rice

A train of thought I had about the state of a few things:

So. I've been seeing more than a few (mostly conservative) voices speak out against how they feel that Donald Trump has been banned on so many platforms.


Because they're afraid that its too much power to mark an idea taboo and silence all avenues for it. That this will somehow expand into censorship of other things, as if its a gateway action to sterilizing human conversation.

And its baffling. It's baffling because this is what? They're first time dealing with this? Dude, there are so many communities that have been yelling about this for forever. All I really should need to site is the censorship of queer stories and conversations across everywhere. Censorship happens all the time for a lot of subjects. You're just mad because its finally at your doorstep. That you're finally in some position to face ramifications for who you are and what you believe in. And you still look like a babbling baby! Because you will not face the same measures of action other communities have. You grew up being told that you and your voice were allowed to exist. The only voice of opposition has been oppressed and disadvantaged groups who're telling you your ideas are harmful. Of which the only power we have is to be angry. Nothing more. Any actions you face are a slap on the wrist. The fact that half of your conversations were welcomed to exist at all is wild since we're well aware of what it takes to build communities where we're not wanted (or in spaces we have to sustain and upkeep). You never had to hide your ideals except behind vague proxy dogwhistles because racism, white supremacy, classism and all their derivatives is tolerated by those in power. Because thats what's in power.

We are not on the same side when it comes to censorship. If you actually cared about freedom of speech, opinions and expression you would have fought for those that suffered before you.

I'd like to say the tide is turning. That this is public opinion catching up and finally spinning censorship around. But I know its not. What comes next in the distopia we're living in has all the likelyhood of being worse. If only because, I have to ask, if they're finally willing to censor ya'll for your bullshit, what does that mean for the rest of us? Us who have been, for most of recent history, shunned from polite society as a concept.

Right now I'd like to have a sliver of hope because the government has just been turned in our favor, but that's still relying on an unreliable system that historically hasn't kept its word even in such a state. We've fought against and gained ground in a system stacked so brutally against us. Stopping the massive regression is not enough. An inch is not enough. There is a lot of work left to do and its having to be done by those at the bottom, who are already tired and overworked. We've found just a tiny bit of breathing room after having been drowning for so long.

I want to have hope.

star-rice

HAHHHAHHAHHHA


continueing this bc I realized this really is in the same vein as people being mad they have to wear masks as if they've never had someone police their bodies or actions before. In light of the inauguration a lot of businesses are having to adopt no tolerance policies on shitty behavior. Like. Ya'll were always the only ones who were EVER allowed to act that way in the first place. For the rest of us police would be involved and they are not nice to us. But ya'll just get to be shitty and now you're mad that thats getting taken away from you because you're actively threatening violence? Boo fucking hoo. Ya'll have always been the only free mfs here. Excuse me if I'm laughing at ya'll finally seeing this shit from the other side. Ya'll wont get it. And thats a shame. But I'm still gonna enjoy it while I can.



star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

A train of thought I had about the state of a few things:

So. I've been seeing more than a few (mostly conservative) voices speak out against how they feel that Donald Trump has been banned on so many platforms.


Because they're afraid that its too much power to mark an idea taboo and silence all avenues for it. That this will somehow expand into censorship of other things, as if its a gateway action to sterilizing human conversation.

And its baffling. It's baffling because this is what? They're first time dealing with this? Dude, there are so many communities that have been yelling about this for forever. All I really should need to site is the censorship of queer stories and conversations across everywhere. Censorship happens all the time for a lot of subjects. You're just mad because its finally at your doorstep. That you're finally in some position to face ramifications for who you are and what you believe in. And you still look like a babbling baby! Because you will not face the same measures of action other communities have. You grew up being told that you and your voice were allowed to exist. The only voice of opposition has been oppressed and disadvantaged groups who're telling you your ideas are harmful. Of which the only power we have is to be angry. Nothing more. Any actions you face are a slap on the wrist. The fact that half of your conversations were welcomed to exist at all is wild since we're well aware of what it takes to build communities where we're not wanted (or in spaces we have to sustain and upkeep). You never had to hide your ideals except behind vague proxy dogwhistles because racism, white supremacy, classism and all their derivatives is tolerated by those in power. Because thats what's in power.

We are not on the same side when it comes to censorship. If you actually cared about freedom of speech, opinions and expression you would have fought for those that suffered before you.

I'd like to say the tide is turning. That this is public opinion catching up and finally spinning censorship around. But I know its not. What comes next in the distopia we're living in has all the likelyhood of being worse. If only because, I have to ask, if they're finally willing to censor ya'll for your bullshit, what does that mean for the rest of us? Us who have been, for most of recent history, shunned from polite society as a concept.

Right now I'd like to have a sliver of hope because the government has just been turned in our favor, but that's still relying on an unreliable system that historically hasn't kept its word even in such a state. We've fought against and gained ground in a system stacked so brutally against us. Stopping the massive regression is not enough. An inch is not enough. There is a lot of work left to do and its having to be done by those at the bottom, who are already tired and overworked. We've found just a tiny bit of breathing room after having been drowning for so long.

I want to have hope.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

If there's one thing I'm happy to see come out of all the "discourse" that happened on the discord and then spilled onto the site itself, it's the opinion that discussion about site features shouldnt include just the discord. Hell, the majority of the reason this situation has been so confusing is because it's hidden within 1000 discord messages. Im still not fully informed because reading all those very heated messages is taxing and going out of my way to read stuff that's going to affect me negatively is not a good idea. So honestly? I don't know what in the hell has gone on and I'm not going to form an opinion on something I don't havent read the primary documents for.

But I know that discussion was big and it was concerning the directions Thell was thinking about taking on certain things. I think Thell made a post concerning it on here, and a few of us responded, but there was never any discussion. IMO it feels like it was forgotten. This definately isn't the first time I've felt left out of site discussion because it was soley one he discord. I don't have the energy to keep up with the discord. Slower paced discussions are absolutely my jam. And ngl, the discord is a bit intimidating. For the short time I was active on it, it was hit or miss with how I felt about things. It feels like a source of drama and that feels like the exact opposite of what should be desired from site discussion.

I don't know how to move forward with this. I don't think it's a situation where we should be telling Thell what to do. That's not personally the relationship I think we should have with the site admin. If I were to imagine an ideal scenario, we would just speak about how we feel and what isn't working for us and he could decide how to move from there. This would probably mean getting a lot less feedback from him, but given the very heated responses he gets when he speaks, I think it would be healthier. I imagine he's happier to work on waterfall more when he's not having to work public relations this one to one. Things get personal and bitter fast. This isn't the first time shits gotten heated and it won't be the last if nothing changes. I wish I had more of a solution to offer and I don't mean this to be a call to action, but I do fear negativity worse than this will crop up in the future.

All in all, I think communication between Thell and the userbase should be consolidated and more inclusive. Honestly, idk where Thell gets the majority of his information about site opinion, that said I suspect there may be a lot of bias in what groups get heard. Other than the discord, idek where I should voice an opinion or suggestion other than shout it to the void. Well, for actual features there's the github, which I like very much (but I think people have been sleeping on it quite a bit). Is that where we should be pointing ourselves to? I think it would cut down the drama, but I need to know if that's what Thell wants. I'm here for the long haul. I fucking LOVE waterfall. I want to see it succeed so damn badly and I want to help in whatever limited ways I can. If my help is wanted, I need to know where to contribute and in what way.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

Still laughing at my pharmacist.

So my testosterone comes in little tiny vials. Previously, my weekly dose used to be exactly half the bottle. So they'd give me a months supply of two bottles. A while back my dose was upped to about 3/4 of a bottle. Prescription was listed as "use required dose then throw remainder out" which even my prescribing physician was like "yeah uhuh 'throw it out' wink wink hint hint." Which, yeah, given the whole universe and particularly the uncertainty of healthcare in the U.S., this was a great developement.

But what I found funny recently was an interaction I had with my pharmacist.


So I bounce between two pharmacies under the same company because one I work at and the other I live near. The one I live near filled the prescription weirdly one time giving me only 3 vials instead of my usual four as a 1 month supply because somewhere in everything the "use required dose and throw remainder out" instruction got lost since, technically, my required doses could be spread across 3 bottles if I were to double dip into them. The pharmacist at my work had to fix this and explain it to me (which, i understand his frustration, he didn't create this situation) but in said explaination he mentions to me that under no circumstances should I take from a vial more than once because its no longer sterile and thus I should throw out the bottle once I use it.

I'm very aware he's just trying to make the conversation short and doesn't want to go into the whole "i legally need you to discard the rest of your medication as per the instructions" so he gave me a (false) factoid that I can't argue with because he's the pharmacist. But I still find it so funny.

The vials between upping my dose have not changed at all. They've been the same the whole time. If I were to take "they're not sterile anymore" at face value, I should rightly have more questions since double dipping into a bottle was what I was required to do previously. The blatant lie to my face just gets me, even though it changes nothing about the situation in the slightest.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

I was just gonna be like "fuck my insurance ughhg" but its a bit deeper than that. Their whole system is idiotic. They have a "secure file transfer" system that I have to use to request a change of address. I can't just.... log into my account and change it.... I have to use an electronic form to submit this information to them. I was going to say "you dont have to be logged in to use this form" but in fact, this is on a part of the website where you can't login. Which sets off every alarm bell in my body. Because I just have to hope things get to where they need to and they don't send you a confirmation email???? I have no way of checking the status of anything related to the information I submit outside of "is my address changed on my account?" which I have to manually check or, for other more important issues, they'll snail mail me a response (which, as mentioned, they have my old address, not my new one 🙃).

Dealing with this hell in contrast to my other insurance (which I still receive through my father) is like night and day. One is all online and accessible and anything I could possibly want to know, I have access to without ever speaking to a person. This other insurance? What tiny portal they do have is near useless. I can't even access information about my benefits through it. I have a bookmark folder on my browser just so I don't lose any resources I've happened accross.

This is the insurance I'll be dealing with in 2022 if I don't change jobs by then (not that changing jobs isn't its own special hell in regards to medical coverage).


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

God, I took a look at my savings this morning since we got our stimalim check this morning. And it had been in the back of my mind that I really haven't been able to save much lately bc life is Hell™ but I kind of wanted to know what that entailed. It honestly really comes down to the fact that I haven't been able to save much at all since I moved (or before). It gets a lot harder to figure out if I was really able to save a lot before that since money was being bounced in and out so much, but it is very clear that any money I've received from the government (whether it be stimulus or my own tax money) is what primarily keeps my savings topped off since I shame myself into not touching it (I have two surgeries I need to pay for this year).

2020 really has been a fucking hell year. My savings haven't been this high since November of 2019. And Nov '19 was post top surgery, so it was way higher at other points in 2019. Financially, I'm just not where I want to be and really, its not a lot more that I need (for current expenses, god help me when I have to take on some other responsibilities).

I have a lot of thinking to do about how I want to move forward and what I need to do. I'm just thankful I have the mental space to do so in my current environment.


star-rice(he/him)
babushka(he/she, он/она/)
Time ago
babushka

Need to rant about this...

People really say "I'll take french fries before fresh and healthy veggies every time sorry healthy food tastes bad lol" like?? have you TRIED vegetables? None of that steamed broccoli puree bs, the fresh vegetables? A big crunchy and juicy carrot that is so easy to take into your hand and eat? The delicious leaves of cabbages and lettuce? Cucumbers - they're literally almost water, it's like having a refreshing drink! You can salt them as much as you like, too! Tomatoes? Especially the tiny little cherry ones? (don't go at me with "tomato is a fruit", you know what I'm trying to say here). Peppers? So sweet, and they come in different colors! Such fun! Turnip?? It smells so good and if it's not bitter it tastes really good too! Radish??? Same thing! All this juicy, tasty, crunchy fresh goodness - in salad?? With some oil of your choice, a pinch of salt, and other seasonings?? Amazing!! Meal of the gods!! Trade this for a bunch of over-oiled, over-fried, over-salted potato scraps? I mean yeah, I can see myself doing that sometimes, french fries do taste really good! But veggies? Veggies are amazing!

(This post has no relation to veganism whatsoever)

bogrose

Unfortunately, the people who say stuff like this probably didn't get many fresh or even frozen veggies growing up. And that tends to lead to two effects that both make them gravitate toward fried veggies if any at all.

The first is that a lot of our taste preferences are partially genetic and partially set by what we grow up with. Of course there's also the process of "tastes changing" as we grow up and bitter flavors especially become more standable if not tasty, and craving sweets less. But a lot of the scents, tastes and textures that we associate with something being appetizing is set from our childhood experiences with food.

The other issue is that in poorer families, at least in the US, the most affordable and common form of vegetables aside from fried stuff is commercially canned. These are high in salt, and in many cases the texture and flavor are both a bit weird. (Canned foods are better than they used to be though!) They seem expensive if you just compare fresh to canned without thinking about prep times and how much sooner fresh veggies go bad, even with refrigeration. People go with something easy and quick since they don't have time or energy.

So from a young age, people have the experience of getting either fried stuff from a fast food place because it's "cheap" and quick and no one has time to cook, or they get mushy, kind of weird tasting canned stuff cuz whoever is making dinner has time to cook but not THAT much time. That's what they associate vegetables with. And since the fried stuff has, generally, a better flavor and texture than the canned stuff, they'd rather eat that.


naiad

This is exactly my husband's problem. He was already over 10 when someone tried to make him eat an actual fresh vegetable because he'd only ever had cans of things like carrots, greenbeans, and peas. Now he's 30 and he still can't stand any food having a "crunchy" texture even if it's something like a roasted carrot that's mostly soft.


babushka

we don't have canned vegetables here (except of pickled ones) and the thought terrifies me.

i think one of the cheapest food to get in Russia are raw potatoes and carrots and cabbages (tomatoes and cucumbers are much more expensive). You can get like a kilo of each for around 50 cents


star-rice

Yeah, I grew up with mostly canned vegetables as the vegetable offerings in the house. (hell, i still prefer canned green beans >.>''''') Also, at the time salads were being sort of demonized because people were "only ever putting fatty dressings on them anyway so whats the point" and that, i realize now as an adult, was discouraging. I also realized now as an adult that my parents cooked somethings but they were not that versed in cooking nutriciously diverse things. And they often just... didn't put a lot of effort into cooking? Mom and Dad didn't go through the effort of making salads themselves and experimenting with it, they bought bagged, pre-cut salad. There was a downside here for me because if I did eat anything, I rarely ever learned what went in it. I'm trying to diversify my diet now and discovering the limitations of working 40 hours a week and trying to not go insane with the amount of energy and time loss I incur doing that. We try, but I have to accept that keeping vegetables is chore. They have time limits on them, they take time to prepare (usually, I also have "prefered veggies cooked" syndrome) and are expensive, and thats on top of having to actively learn how to prepare them.

Plus I'm like, 90% sure I have problems eating food in general, but that could just be an "adjusting to being an adult fully" thing. But what and how I eat is sometimes a mental struggle, so I'm not fully convinced.

I do agree people need to have much better opinions about veggies. My S/O the other day had the audactiy to imply that I don't have a balanced diet when he refuses to eat so many vegetables (the inciting incident was me asking if we wanted to pick up some snacks).



star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

I keep hearing things here and there that conditions at work are supposed to be changing. And I don't know how to feel about it.


Not that I don't want things to change (I desperately want things to change), it's that I am not sure if I should believe what I'm hearing. Because for the past 6 months, things have not changed.

We're supposed to be getting someone new in the department. The last time they told us this like 6 weeks ago they were never even put on our schedule. Now we're supposedly getting another different person and I'm not sure whether to try and be anticipatory of it.

Our last store manager walked out and the new one is supposed to be "a huge hardass who gets shit done". He's been here 2 weeks and I havent seen the tiniest bit of meaningful change, just more empty gestures.

Everything about my job begs me to not put in as much effort as I do when my brain what's so badly for there to be some semblance of standards out here. And it's been like that for years. And as I continue not doing things the standard drops lower and lower with no end in sight. For so long "I can't do it alone" has been my catchphrase and I'm growing tired of it. It feels like a levee should have broken by now. Some failsafe should have triggered to put us back on track?

The problem is my lead. Like if she just gave a damn about making us do work out here, we'd be fine. But she lets the laziest person on the team get away with murder and me and the other guy go "well, if she can get away with murder, we might as well not do anything because it doesn't matter and there are zero consequences" we don't want to or care to get away with murder, but it's easier that way. So the whole department is shit. And it's not like management is real buddy buddy with my lead. Her fuck ups kick them in the ass occasionally as well, but they refuse to put in the effort to replace her? Reputable sources say she's broken the law in a way they really shoukd not ignore, yet I've heard no developments on the subject. So either, they've done the unthinkable and ignored/forgotten about it or my lead somehow wiggled out of committing fraud against the government. There's also a small chance due process is being taken, it's just kind of slow, but it's been like, 3 weeks? 4? At this point? So idk. All I know is that this wouldn't be the first and, as long as she's still employed, it won't be the last time she's done some incredulous shit that she'll never see consequences for.

And all I want is for her to do her job, honestly. I don't want her fired so much as I want whoever holds her job title to do their motherfucking job. If that means putting someone else in her position? I'm all for it. But if management actually disciplines her and she ends up becoming a person who does her job? Hell yeah!

I don't hate my lead as a person. She's a genuinely okay human being. Shes never intentionally an asshole to my face. She just doesn't do her job???? And everytime I ask her to do her job, she says "yeah, uhuh, sure" and then she doesn't! She pretends as if everything she does is aboveboard and kosher, and then it's not! And I'm tired of it!

I'm tired of being told by outside parties that my department does not do it's job because, for one, it's getting old, but secondly, it's getting old because I want to do my job!! I want to be an effective employee! I want to feel that satisfaction! But it's too much of a job for just little old me. If I did everything I'd be so resentful of my coworkers (which I already am, but at least this way I can't be mad at them, no one is going their job and it's because we're allowed to). I'd overwork myself (because I have) and I'd get nothing out of it (except deep disatisfaction). So I'd rather not be overworked if I'm not gonna get anything out of this.

I want to want to come to work. Hell, I'll settle for "not despise my working conditions as much". Is that so much to fucking ask for? Especially when I know it's entirely doable? Is it really so impossible and improbable that the same cycle of shit is gonna happen I we and over and over again? Despite getting more benefits and pay (hard fought for by the union) am I still gonna be stuck wanting any other job???


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

For all the things I've seen out here, and have some thoughts. Ive had lots of thoughts and feelings about my identity, about my country, specifically my state, about my place in it and the different societal connections, societal wedges and their very storied histories. I've gained perspective on myself and the world and it's conflicts. I've always known I take a lot for granted. But I feel like Ive been able to really take that and turn it in my hands a bit. It's been the process of taking a step back and realizing you're getting to see the forest instead of just the individual trees.

It's been a crazy mix of everything both radicalizing me further and softening my heart. I'm not walking away from this hard and bitter. I've never wanted that for myself. But this path does tend to lend itself to melancholy helplessness, which I have to watch out for.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

Had a maintenance dude come in today to fix our emergency lighting, a relatively unimportant thing in the grand scheme of all the shit thats wrong with this building. As he was finishing up he asked jokingly if I was excited for the fix. I laughed and said "I'm about as excited for that light as I was when they painted the outside of our door. It's not what I'd fix around here, but I don't pay the maintenance budget."

"Sure you do, it comes out of your wages." The guy replied.


"They pay me the same whether thats fixed or not. This is their building, they pay to maintain it. What they pay me is between them and the union."

"Ah, ya'll are union." He didn't sound vindictive or anything. "We're not." He said finally.

"I'd bet not."

Idk why that coversation kind of stuck with me. It's so backwards to me that, even if we weren't unionized, to consider a maintenance cost as something that had anything to do with my wages. Maybe its because I know full well that I'm treated as a cost the same as that emergency light. That I know that this building is capital they own and must maintain so that it can continue producing revenue for the company. That that light he fixed was only fixed, not for my safety, but because it is required by OSHA and other governing bodies that were lobbied to promote my safety.

Yet the company doesn't care about the spray bottle labelled "water only" that my lead has filled with some bleach based cleaner. The company doesn't care that when it rains, water pours through our air conditioner. It leaks in through our broken foundation. The air conditioner doesn't have a condenser in it, so the humidity goes unchecked causing all our papers to curl and making working conditions that much more unpleasant. We have a sign above one of our pumps that is holding on by a singular bolt, ready to damage a customer or their vehical. Maybe 3 or 4 of our receipt printers reliably print receipts for more than 4 hours (when we have paper, that is). Two of them outright refuse and needed to be replaced over a year ago. I work under pandemic conditions long after our ""hero"" pay was cast aside for credit at company stores.

I didn't even know our emergency light in the back had gone out. I have no clue who ordered it to be fixed and brought this man to my back door. It's absolutely astounding to me that this is what get fixed. What underlying systems are working well enough to ensure I can see if the power goes out, but not mend the building I sit in that is undoubtedly a breeding ground for mold given the cellar like qualities of the air I breath.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

Okay, so I know it's kind of abstract to think like this, but the reason I'm losing my whole brain over Nintendo putting Super Mario Sunshine on the switch (even if it's bundled) is because I feel it sets a precedent.

iirc, this will be the first gamecube game Nintendo has released (of their own titles) on the switch. And it's one of their most popular too! Ever since the switch came out I've been puzzling over if we'd start to get rereleases of these old classics whether on a Virtual Console/Digital Only or as fully remastered/slightly updated titles. We got a lot of N64 titles on the Wii VC, right? Would they continue the trend of skipping a generation or two and put the biggest hits on the next console? Is it even worth it for them to put the manpower into either optimizing individual gamecube games for the switch or putting together an emulator? Those options are definately possible, but would Nintendo decide the effort was worth it to do? I still don't know if those questions have really been answered, but we definately have something more hopeful than we did before.

There's also bullshit to be said about this limited release of Mario 3D All-Stars, but i cannot imagine that it'll be limited forever (as on brand as that would be for Nintendo's mentality regarding accessibility and longevity of its titles). But I haven't the brain power for that shit. I've just accepted that I'm gonna preorder the physical copy and that's gonna be that.

Anyway, this is a way to put aside my giddyness and express hope that I'll get my childhood nostalgia games on my favorite and most conveinant console to date.


star-rice(he/him)
stararts
Time ago

Forest Study

Reference: https://unsplash.com/photos/jFCViYFYcus

Wanted to focus on creating depth within a piece and it really expanded into this study of hue and saturation. Spend only about a hour on this bc its something I did before jetting off to work.

star-rice

Obligatory self-reblog

Reflection under the cut


So this was what I went on to do after writing the anti-capitalism post which honestly? The time constraint I think helped a bit. I really really wasnt expecting to get something far enough to show off! I had a hard cut hour to work on what I was gonna work on and for the large part did not get distracted at all.

This was all done free hand off the reference. I loved the red and purple hues in the dirt. Thats what drew me in after I realized I love the atmosphere in piece. So I kind of started there. It was so fun realizing where I needed to push the hues to get them to look as vibrant as they are. The foreground greenery with the deep shadows needed to be pushed very blue. Most of the piece gained a lot of saturation in those shadows. The warmer colors needed to be pushed cooler but not in a way I was used to? I usually just push the saturation down if I need something relatively colder but with the entirity of this piece, that usually meant wiggling the hue more often than not. And the piece imo still turned out very very warm? Green is one of those colors I can never really think of as cool since it has so much vibrancy, especially when its used in such a highly saturated manner.

One thing that I very slowly realized was how I was using contrast in the piece. The foreground is so much darker than the farther back layers and sure, now that I'm thinking about it "of course it is! thats how you create atmosphere" but when you're essentially recreating an already excellently composed piece of art (ie, decisions have already been made for you) you don't quite realize that until you're doing the thing (which is why you study like this). And i'll just be forever in awe of that process.

I could have spent probably 2 full hours detailing. I had plans in diff places to add more or do this that or the other stuff, but Im extremely happy with how this turned out. I'm incredibly pleased with the variation in tree color that ended up in there. I thought this might look careless of me (bc it spawned from me not color picking as much (which is good)) but the variety goes so far in breaking any monotony that might have settled in. I wish I would have extended this to the greenery more than I did (its all mostly the same base green with not too different shadows).

Overall this was such a fun thing to do. On a personal level i always feel like its so hard to find that place where you can objectively work on a piece. So often I'm stunted by anxiety or lack of energy. Its hard to ease yourself into that middle ground where "we are working and this is that process" in which you can let negative feelings and thoughts fall to the side if they happen to come up.

Stepping back from this piece and immediately having to go to work was weird, but honestly? I was so fucking caught up in how good it felt to have something I wanted to show off (because god am I happy with it. Im impressed with mysel and its one of those moments where you remember "oh yeah this takes skill and practice and i have come so fucking far in my life" ). I walked away from it feeling like I could breathe again? As if somehow I couldn't before? Maybe thats a sideeffect of me working on it so feverishly, but it felt way more like I'd found my proficiency in art again? I thrive off that shit, feeling capable and proficient, like I can tackle anything thrown my way. Backgrounds have always scared the shit out of me and, dont get me wrong, I'm nowhere near able to handle anything in that regard, but its like I found the path to lead me in that direction.

At the very least, studies like this are like adding a tool to your box. You can always pull from past experiences to help inform a new piece. Have enough and you can generally mix and match and create some crazy shit thats just a fussion of previous pieces. The cherry on top is if you can reach past that surface level and be even more transformative with your skills (theres absolutely no hard line between the two).

I feel like this was a kinda easy way to start getting into background practice. This was by no means a stress test. It felt more like flexing muslces I hadn't employed in a long while in a way I was mostly familiar with. Still I learned a lot and there was so much more that I remembered and pulled to the forefront of my brain (mostly color theory, composition, etc etc)



star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

My true problem with participating in capitalism?

Not enough time to vibe man. Always have to be on a time schedule. Can't just let my brain go and do its own thing without that in the back of my mind. We have work in an hour and 45, but we gotta leave 15 minutes before then to get there on time. Gotta stop anything that we're doing 15 minutes before that because we have to be perceivable in a pleasant light to strangers. When I get home I have anywhere from 2 to 6 hours (depending on how much time I want tomorrow) to do all the things I need to do before bed (eat, hygeine, socialize, tend to pets).

And when I do have a day off thats not dedicated to anything in particular, Im usually insanely worried I'm not being productive enough on the things I spent all week angry that I wasn't able to do (which ultimately takes away from doing that thing). Even if that is a product of being tired and not being able to go the speed I had been going all week on my day off. I have to continually remind myself that sometimes there just isn't enough energy or time available to me and I am correctly prioritizing things. Paying rent and bills is important. Im aware of how the system is trying to trap me and keep me in this state where I haven't the energy to act out or be creative because thats dangerous on a massive scale. It drives consumerism as I ever strive for more self actualization I'll never achieve serving the capitalism that both hinders and allows my survival.

It makes the dream of working for myself so much more tantalizing, and I think about it often. But selling yourself on your own merits leaves you even more prone to the crushings of capitalism. You can work your hardest and still not make it, even if you did everything """right""".

I used to think that the world was just something built for a different type of person because I never fit in it quite right. Now I know the truth.

The world was intentionally not built for me. It was built to control me.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

Ok dope, so the post that got yeeted was me discussing why I dislike carrying a sketchbook (and honestly just sketchbooks in general) which boiled down to: sketchbooks do not lend themselves to my creative process nor do they foster or maintain quality in my work. Yet I keep one anyway.

(long and rambly)


I don't fucking use it and I end up just working on normal copy paper anyway, so honestly, why do I carry the fucker around? I have very few pros and a boat load of cons (which I might take the time to recompile later, but I got bigger thoughts to fry) so I think I'm gonna try something new.

The new thing I'm gonna try is keeping a binder for my loose drawings. I debated just hole punching those bitches but decided that that not only feels bad but looks bad if you ever want to divorce that piece from the binder (of which, that freedom I'd enjoy). Plus a problem I had with sketchbooks was that the pages would rub together and fuck up any pencil drawings (and i don't carry markers/pens for art). So I was thinking "what about plastic sleaves?" The thought immediately feels like over kill, but honestly, the hardest part of using them would be buying them (which is a one time thing and at that point, cost is really the only hurdle). So I looked into it. I can get 200 for 12 diggery-dongs. I think I already have a binder if we're being real (and I might actually know its location).

The goal of this is obviously to foster creativity and remove roadblocks that disinsentivize my brain from doing art. This new system would do several things for me. It essentially reinvents the sketchbook and strips it of its turn offs (cant remove/insert pages, pages rub together and destroy the images on them, easier to currate, less commitment issues etc etc) and gives me a hell of a lot more freedom. I think the only maybe downside I can come up with is that I'll have to be hella dilligent about dating my stuff. There's no hard begining and hard end with this system. I have to do more upkeep with organizing my work, but that atm seems more like a plus than anything else. I already keep every fucking thing I ever draw, this would lend itself to the longevity of my work.

I'll probably want to work on pruning what I keep and where. There's a shit load of things that I keep but dont necessarily have any pride in (which is not necessary for art, ngl) so I store that shit together in a box with relatively no protection on them. They dont move often enough for it to matter. I need to get a box and just keep it all in one place. I don't know why I keep this stuff other than #1 - it was drilled into me that you do not throw art away and #2 - it is fun to see all this stuff you've mentally filed out of existence. Its a testament to the work that goes into getting anywhere skill wise and it allows for one to physically manifest in a real amount of space what that process looks like. Its not necessary, but its mildly humbling and satisfying to the brain. If I have the space to continue doing this, I feel inclined to.

For stuff I actually give a shit about keeping/displaying/not forgetting about, I can just move the sleaved images to another, bigger, binder that I don't cary everywhere with me with the bonus that these things already have a high likely hood of me wanting to show them off. Win win!

And honestly? Thats not a lot of maintenance. Its better than carrying a sketchbook I dont use. Throwing loose printer paper in my bag (or in my sketchbook where they fall out and end up in my bag). I usually end up folding these papers (not inherently bad, but if I'm not paying attention, thats often creasing through something I've drawn) and they get beat the fuck up (bc I never take shit out of my bag). A binder would be the same amount of maintenance (or less) and much less stress about keeping my arts quality.

Its time I fixed the broken systems in my life. Living is hard enough as it is without unecessary resistence. Time to actually actively endorse being a creative, which means supporting its natural proccesses as much as possible and eliminating shit that hinders my freedom. The world didn't teach me how to set up my shit to cater to my weird brain, so I have to do it myself. "Normal" or "societally correct" shit broke? Time to play handyman and fix that them hoes. I need more time for the shit I'm bound to/bound to do. I need more mental and physical space to be happy.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

Today has been a fucking weird one lemme tell ya.

So I work at a gas station and it's not incredibly rare for someone to come to me with a story about how they can't pay for gas bc they either broke down a ways up the road or their card declined or whatever else.

A man walked up today holding a plant, explained her needed gas and this was what he had. It hada literal price tag on it declaring the retail price of 9.89, not that it really mattered to me. He wagered it's worth at 5 dollars.

There's nothing I can do ok behalf of the business I'm representing, but i can do whatever the fuck I want given I have no supervision, so I mull it over and offer him the gas in my personal gas can in my car. There's only a gallon in it, so the plant was totally worth it and I absolutely should have given him more but my brain was too busy considering the gas can as potential collateral just in case he ran off with it. Tbh, the plant was worth the story and the gas and the gas can.

His story for not being able to pay for gas btw was that the night previous he had been piss drunk and lost his wallet. Relatable, negl. He was presumably on his way to the next town over to find it.

I didn't get a story for why he had a plant with him. I wish I knew more about that.


star-rice(he/him)
posted this
Time ago

So I bought a crochet pattern on brioche crochet because #1 - it looks dope af and, #2 - oddly familiar..... I felt as if I'd done this already in a piece of mine, but I wanted the pattern for the specifics and to kind of compare.

And then I realized exactly what I'd done this with: my fucking bleeding moss stitch bags. One day I decided I wanted to see how how alternating colors every other row would look in bleeding moss only to be very surprised when I ended up with vertical stripes as opposed to horizontal ones. I then quickly expanded my horizons to experiment with it in round with some v cool results.


I lost the original project that I first demonstrated this on, but I did a quick sample using the techniques I know now/would have been using at the time:

First of all, this demonstrates very succintly the increasing pattern used in round (if ya'll were ever wondering about how I was doing that, I always meant to do a tutorial on it, but its not as easy to understand with words) but its literally the jumping off point for having a good understanding of the brioche techniques used in the pattern I bought and I discovered all of this on accident. Literally years before I would formally be able to put a name to it (I didn't know this was called Brioche or Mosaic crochet until a day ago).

And this is wild to me because I realized part of the potential when working with double colored extened moss while decreasing (not shown, but decreasing brings two branches to a point), I just never made the tiny leap to realizing how easy it would be to etch wild patterns into something because I figured it'd be too complex to want to work out the intricacies.

Anyway, the tl;dr of why im making this post is that I'm absolutely fascinated by what is the equivalent of convergent evolution amongst craftsmen (which isn't uncommon at all, esp in crochet where its basics are simple but there's a lot of freedom to it if you're willing to get creative, but since we're all using the same basic technique, we're bound to 'discover' the same things). I'm not gonna say I haven't been through this before with other stuff, but its definately been a while and this is the most complex thing I've developed all on my own only to find it word for word somewhere else.

Which is not to say I've been doing this technique the exact same as in this pattern. Far from it, though the basic idea is the same. This was partly why I bought it, to fill in that gap where years earlier I'd tapped out and paid it no mind. There's obviously more to learn here, more to explore and more creativity to be had. Even if I had completely understood how to balance the stitches and properly direct the design before this, for something I had to figure out the intricacies of on my own, I'm going to absolutely love reading up on how someone else decided to go about certain things.

I love the evolution of the creative exchange of ideas too. I know its sort of very niche depending on where you are on the internet, but I'm slowly amassing a huge pool of resources to better my craft with and I'm already a slut for community discussion of things.


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